Dancing With the Stars: Week 2 Results

Last Night: The scores were all a little low, but I guess average for week 2. Some rumbas were smooth, some Pasos were hard hitting and others were disappointing. What is up with the whole “rebel” Lance Bass storyline? I don’t get it, he’s no rebel. He’s too orange to be a rebel.

The encore goes to Warren & Kym’s Paso. I still believe that these dances are better the second time because of less nerves and no one is judging them.

Anywho after recapping the scores, they “randomly” call Toni & Alec and Rocco & Karina as safe. Rocco? It’s because of his looks isn’t it?

Former Reality Star Jessica Simpson croons to us with professional dancers dancing. I love that statistic that it was the #1 country album. That’s because no one big has releaced an album in a while. Jessica’s head bobbles a little insanely. She also seems to be wearing a big Reeces piece wrapper on her. The dancing is good, but can’t save a bad song. I love how the dancers get to do intricate lifts. I think the fringe is a little too long and I know as a partner I’d be afraid of it getting in my eye.

The next two couples safe are Cody & Julianne (those crazy kids) and Brooke & Derrick.

Bruno & Len talk about how they do this show and then switch over to Strictly Come Dancing. Carrie Ann just goes home. They must have a lot of frequent flier miles.

Our Macy’s guest dancers seem interesting. They are a little out of place, but give me a feeling of Lady Gaga. I want clothes that light up. I like the converted sets/ extra sets. The circles and lights. Ooh huge glow sticks, nothing really new there. There us a little bit of red accessory lighting trouble, but I get the whole idea. Ooh, ribbon dancers! I love rhythmic gymnastics. I finally remembered now, their outfits reminds me of My Chemical Romance.

Jessica Simpson is back, yawn. Luckily Cheryl and Maks are here to save the day. Jessica Simpson was never really a good singer live. In this performance she eats the microphone. She’s really squeaky tonight. Cheryl is amazing. Jessica can’t make that high keys and she compensates by bobbling her head and arching forward. Jessica screams incessantly, but Maks & Cheryl are real professionals and keep dancing.

The next couple safe is Susan & Toni.

There is a little bit of a video about the Red Room. Everyone is pumped, people fix bras, and there are nerves. They look about the scores backstage. Everyone acts all silly; Misty-May is one of the guys. Warren has a fan. Cody gets lost backstage, little puppy. Maurice is Mr. Positivity. Rocco texts like crazy. Toni is still hot. Cloris is funny. They worry about eliminations.

More results. Warren & Kym and Maurice & Cheryl are safe. After commercials there’s more: Lance & Lacey, and Misty-May & Maks. Our “bottom” two are Cloris and Kim. The father/son rivalry will end with Kim & Mark being eliminated. Cloris almost dies in the background. Kim tries to booty dance a little bit, but really feels out of place. Now isn’t it mean to play “See you later alligator”?

Dancing With the Stars S7 – Week 2

Last Week: A lot of dances that I can’t remember. Jeffery and Ted went home.

So we have the Paso & the Rumba. You know, I always thought it’d be easier if they took the eliminated people off of the opening sequence. It would save us about 10 seconds. Tom and Samantha introduce our “stars”. Everyone is looking quite steamy this week. Well, except for Lacey who looks like a really ugly drag queen. We have 11 stars. Apparently they have four days. I really think that in the five weeks of training all the dancers learn the basics of all the dances. Len fears that putting the hard dances early is a bad thing. I know.

Toni & Alec – Alec promised to sing for Toni if she made it past week one he’d sing. He butchers “Unbreak My Heart” and she gets up and saves him. It seems like training went well though. As they dance, I’m a little disappointed that she couldn’t rumba to her own music. Are lifts a no-no still this season? I don’t recall. Anywho, in one turn Alec lifts. The dance overall is quite sexy. Toni has the lines. And long tracks of weave this week. Len is quite surprised how good the dance was; although there were parts bad. Bruno used the words “mistress” and “pitched”; he like Len wanted Basics. Carrie Ann pointed out 2 lifts and compared her dancing to her singing. Lift Police! I want a lift police badge. The scores are 7, 8, and 8. Two 8’s with a lift? A 23’s not too bad.

Brooke & Derrick – Last week Brooke was in the lead, but she now feels pressured to continue. They got the Paso Doble. To get the intensity of Paso, Derrick brought her to Karate class. She kicks his “pads”. I love how every Paso is the same outfit, I mean they are all dramatic. They are dancing to what sounds like the ….DeBeers theme song. Forgive me for being ignorant. Brooke is quite good though. Oh I love cape & dress flailing. Carrie Ann was mesmerized, but she pointed out a little bit of off balance. Len was happy about the amount of aggression, but didn’t like the little cheesy opening posing and the cape flailing. Bruno uses the words “Artistry” and “Timing”. The scores are three 8s.

Rocco & Karina – Rocco’s hips aren’t that amazing, but he’s convinced that it’s good. The Rumba is being a challenge since Rocco can’t control his emotions. Rocco decided to cook with her. I want someone to feed me with emotion. Unless it’s like Like Water for Chocolate where everyone vomits, cries and combusts. They begin their dance doing some cheesy cooking routine. Rocco still seems a little stiff to me and I almost feel bad for Karina because she is quite good. I’m not sure if there was a lift or not so I’m going to ignore it. It was okay, but not good. Bruno points out that he was a “Thing” walking around and he choked. Carrie Ann points out a lack of musicality. Len said “it wasn’t tasty”. Okay… The scores are 5, 6, and 5. Len being nicer? Odd.

Lance & Lacey – Len is too old, but Lance is still trotting on. Lance and Lacey don’t want a cape or really Paso outfits. I guess he just doesn’t want to compare to Joey’s Star Wars Routine. Lance starts on the stems and calmly walks down. Hahaha, they are dancing to “I Kissed a Girl”. How fitting. For not being a Paso, all the steps are there. I think Lance missed a few steps, but I’m going to ignore them. They end by making out. Apparently, one of Queer Eyes’ Fab Five was in the audience surprised. Len doesn’t think it works, he almost hated it. Carrie Ann thought it was “witty” and liked the choreography. Bruno thinks it’s trilling, but he needs the Paso arms. Somewhere there Len makes fun of Bruno and Bruno “curses”. I’m still not sure what he said, but ABC bleeped it out anyway. The scores are 7, 6, and 7.

Kim & Mark – Might I say, that their Mambo was bad, but good enough for Tom’s jokes. They have the rumba and Kim can’t keep from laughing at Mark. Mark pointed out that she was a host of the Pussycat Dolls show in Vegas. So Mark got Kim to call Robin Antin! God, I haven’t seen her face since Girlicious. Ouch, she’s still ugly. As they dance, the camera helps by not showing a lot of full body shots in important areas. Kim is still a little stiff, she really needs acting classes. Bruno used “Pussycat Dead” and “Colder than Siberia”. Len hopes that there’s something from her and he used the term “Gear in the Rear”. Carrie Ann wants her to watch playback, ugh I hated doing that, but it works. The scores are: 6, 6 and 5.

Misty-May & Maks – The dances last week weren’t bad, but her attack needs to be toned down. Misty was still finishing her Volleyball season. Her coach tells Maks to push her hard. Maks is being quite aggressive to her and I think he broke her for a second there. I think it’s good for her though. They Paso to Franz Ferdinand. Her kicks have a lot of attack to it and although there’s intensity in the eyes there’s a little bit of vacancy. I like the flip a lot. Carrie Ann points out how she loves the commitment and how Maks pushed her harder than anyone. Bruno calls her “Xena” and reiterates about shoulders and knees. Len thinks it was a “good attempt” and points out the vacancy in the eyes; he needs connection. The scores are 7, 7, and 7.

Maurice & Cheryl – The couple has the Rumba and Maurice is talking about his game. He has a little bit of trouble getting his hips. Cheryl brings him to a belly dancing performance. I’m not sure if it helped, but he was quite impressed by the ladies. I like the irony of the ecology in the song and them wearing green. Cheryl is still quite amazing and Maurice is keeping up with her choreography. I am just weirded out by the square that Cheryl is wearing. Len was disappointed because he lacks finesse. Carrie Ann thinks that there is something holding him back. Bruno thinks he was “rough and clunky” and that the belly dancing gave him a stomach ache. The scores are 7, 6, and 6.

Cloris & Corky – Cloris thinks that she was too into the whole thing, now she wants to be in it as long as possible. Corky has a heart to heart. They practice hard, but also put in a little bit of funny. Their Paso reminds me the most of Strictly Ballroom’s. It was quite controlled but very passionate. At the last drop, Cloris I think dropped her microphone pack, but I coulda sworn it was her emergency pendent. It turns out being her castanets. Bruno wants Eva Gardener. Len thinks it was quite traditional and good. Traditionalists. Carrie Ann calls her brilliant, but decided to decline to make a comment. The scores are 5, 5, and 5.

Susan & Toni – The cha-cha was too stiff, but the quickstep was good. Susan suffers from dancing and acting at the same time, but she talks to Cameron to bolster her. It’s all about the present, he says. I’m still not sure about the tiara thing. She unbuttons his shirt. I can see the acting in the eyes, but it just seems like the moves are boring to me. I know she’s doing well on her extensions and lines, but it just was a little slow. Even at the end, it looked like they ran out of time. Carrie Ann talks about being transported to “another world”. Bruno says it was good, everything was there, but she needs to be a cougar. Len disliked the unbuttoning, but liked the acting. The scores are 7, 7, and 7.

Warren & Kym – The Cha-Cha and Quickstep surprised me because of the fancy footwork. Warren keeps giggling through the whole way. Kym’s coaching seems to be doing well. As the dance starts I can’t help but think wow, Kym’s costume accentuates her huge breasts. Although I don’t understand the S&M outfits apparently it’s supposed to be Matrix. Does that make Kym Neo? They do quite an interesting spin closing sequence, but the end is a little odd to me when Warren jumps into Kim and drags her by the leg. Len likes the boobies and the intensity. Carrie calls him a “Paso Killa!” Bruno points out the footwork and timing of the music. Quite good. In the back they talked about how pleather sticks together. The scores are 8, 8 and 8.

Cody & Julienne – I really do think anyone older than 18 (even if they are 19) and think Cody is hot really looks like a pedophile because Cody looks 13, especially this week. Last week their dances weren’t too bad, but this week he has the Rumba. There is some silly sexy music and then he tries to impress Julienne; she thinks he as ADHD. As an actor, I really would hope that romance was something he could act. They Rumba to Leona Lewis’ Bleeding Love. Although there is a part of me that reminds me of So You Think You Can Dance, the dance is quite sensual. Well, until Cody smirks. Dear Cody, don’t grit your teeth thinking that it’s manly. Bruno calls him a kid in a candy store, he needs more control though. Len thinks it lacked polish, but then I think he was talking about some “fire”, I was like, in his pants? Len wanted Carrie Ann to cover her eyes; so I’m not sure if they were joking or I’m just a dreamer. Carrie Ann liked the matching between the dancing and the music. It was “Age Appropriate”. Really? They are just in the mercy of the producers who give them that music. The scores are 7, 7, and 7. A 21 to close the night.

The rundown:

High:
Warren – 24
Brooke – 24
Toni – 23

Middle:
Cody – 21
Susan – 21
Misty-May – 21
Lance – 20

Low:
Maurice – 19
Kim – 17
Rocco – 16
Cloris – 15


Who Do I think should go home? Kim, I know she’s trying hard, but no.
Who Do I think will go home? Rocco, because he just doesn’t have Kim’s fan base.

Amazing Race Episode One Recaplet:

In: Nick & Starr

Out: Anita & Arthur



Funny Notes:
I love how the Sister drives the car. If it were me and my sister, she'd be driving too.

In the opening sequence Aja & Ty slide down a children's slide. What? How does a slide represent long distance relationships? I woulda loved a can on a string.

Terrence & Sarah knew the backways to the airport. It really didn't make a difference when the Carpool Lane exists.

There is a new jingle bell to match with the rattlesnake.

Always remember to look for marked flags.

I would totally ride a vending cart. I also want to eat a candy called "Blong".

+ Language Skills are always a plus.

Kenny has a Charla whistle.

Not all crosswalks have buttons.

Round 1 Placement:

1. Nick & Starr
2. Ken & Tina
3. Terence & Sarah
4. Mark & Bill
5. Kelly & Christie
6. Toni & Dallas
7. Andrew & Dan
8. Aja & Ty
9. Anthony & Stephanie
10. Marissa & Brooke
11. Anita & Arthur


Next Week: Charity? Bah, this is a race! Also Mom, Dad and the Kids piss off others.

Survivor: Gabon – Episode 1

I haven’t seen a full season in a while, my old roommate would watch Supernatural and I can’t resist gawking at Sam & Dean hoping they would make out or something.

Stereotypical swoops of land and animals. Luckily not too Asian this season. I’m all Asian-ed out. I’m also Beached out. Elephants! Gorillas! Hippos! Jeff introduces us to Gabon, which has a lot of different landscapes. We have 18 contestants, people are talking but don’t have name tags under them so I really can’t tell who’s who. Jeff’s speech is still the same. With 39 days and 18 contestants… there’s got to be a double elimination somewhere along the line…or a final 3.

Gabon’s opening sequence seems similar to the rest. Bob looks dead already. There’s a woman named “Sugar”? Oh dear God, what did I sign up for?

So how many times am I going to hear “Earth’s last Eden”. Bob, the physics teacher reminds me of (now Green-friendly) Bill Nye. Ken apparently is a professional Super Smash Brothers player. I looked that up. Paloma is a “server”. Is waiter a bad word now? Server sounds like “maid” to me. Randy edits videos but doesn’t like weddings that he does; sourpuss. Crystal (the Olympian) is a “Pre-K teacher”. Corrine calls herself a “bitch”. Dan is trying to find himself.

Jeff tells us that the Elders have to make the decisions. Bob picks yellow, Gillian picks Red. Jeff says that sex doesn’t matter. The oldies play a little rock-paper-scissors and Bob is first. He picks “baldy” Ace. Gillian picks “the woman standing next to Ace” Crystal. Ace picks Sugar. Crystal picks Susie. The gay guy chimes in and whines. Sugar picks the farmer. Susie picks the surfer dude. Marcus picks Charlie. Surfer picks Randy. Charlie picks Paloma. Randy picks Dan. Paloma takes Kelly. Dan picks GC . Jacque is next. GC picks Ken. Jacque picks Corrine. Michelle is last. So much for “the girl in the purple”.

Red is “Thong”? I coulda sworn I heard the word “Thong”. Yellow is “Kota”. There is a challenge. It’s a race up a hill. There’s some individual immunities and food. There’s one extra bag for the winners. Food. They all start running. GC mostly in the lead and Gillian in the back. Jeff perched makes some random commentary. Marcus & GC are going for the individual immunity. Bob helps Paloma. Marcus & GC get the idols. Michelle is the first woman up. Crystal surprises me as she slips lower. Is red team “Phuong”? No wait… that’s like Vietnamese. Kota wins any who. Matty is pissed off at Gillian. Crystal had a problem with her dress and shoes. Oh is it “Fang”. The teams grab their maps and head on their way.

Day 1 – Kota - Marcus is edited talking with monkeys in the back. They actually have some huts pre-built. It must be a sign of bad animals when they have to make sure contestants have shelter. “Sugar” is too nervous at the moment to get in the water. The tribe decides to patch the roof. Bob gets up on the roof and puts the roof together. Bob tinkers and makes a bench.

Shifting over to Fang. Guess what? A similar setting! Gillian pep talks her team. And she knows the African word for “Fierce”. “Bucale”, Bitches. I want someone to say Gillian wants elephant poo so that they can light it. She picks it up and runs her hands through it. She thinks there might be edible seeds in the elephant poop. Randy is ticked off already; that sourpuss. Ken grabs a termite and wants to eat it. He talks about being a dork, Ken “flirts” with Michelle, big emphasis on the quotations. She eats a termite in front of Ken. He hasn’t been kissed in 5 years. Dear Ken, nothing will happen during Survivor.

Back over at Kota, they discuss Latrines. Ace suggests some old school poop and move latrines. Ace continues to act like a douche and suggests random things but doesn’t actually do things. Charlie and Marcus do a walk and talk. Charlie has boy flirty time with Marcus. But Marcus is straight, but this may work in his favor to have a little “yes man”. That’s my worst fear on Survivor. Randomly falling for a straight guy’s beautiful blue eyes and who walks around in their blue undies all around me. I’d look for a girl to align with.

Night falls at Fang and elephants are scaring the contestants. You can see the “oh shit” in their night-visioned eyes. Randy slammed his head into a branch. It’s totally dark and Gillian can’t help. They called the medical team and they shoot some anesthesia into him and stitch him up. The medics inform him about getting infected. That’s why you walk with your arms flailing in the darkness.

Random Elephant shots introduce us to Fang. Randy has a huge bandage and looks like really weird with a small patch of hair poofed out. I would have suggested the medical team shave the whole thing off. Michelle is complaining about her being skinny and cold. They worry about fire. Michelle complains about how all the smart/beautiful people are on the other team and she’s stuck with moms.

Kota reads their first tree mail. It has some rhyming about getting fire. Rattlesnakes. Ace tries to get the group to do Yoga as a group. Marcus still stretching in his blue undies. Paloma and Bob sit back and giggle.

Our first big challenge is upon us. Everyone looks like crap after night 1. The challenge involves being tied up, they run, dig, and the other people solving a puzzle. Sounds basic. The immunity idol looks like a cute robot this season. The team also gets flint for winning.

Paloma “Sugar” & Bob are part of Kota Puzzle team . Susan, Gillian, & Randy take the helm for Fang.

The teams run through a “leech filled swamp”. Kota led by Ace takes a small lead. Fang takes over past the net lift. There’s a little under over fence-thing that every reality competition uses once in a while. Fang’s still leading. The teams start to dig for their puzzle pieces. Kota gets the first. Crystal in stress needs the fire and tries to “fire” up her team. Fang struggles with their first as Kota gets their second. Fang can’t find the last two. Kota gets back and Bob is ready to solve things. Bob is really kicking some puzzle ass. Gillian is trying to cheer on her team even in the worst. By the time Fang gets over the hill Kota solves the puzzle. I really hope Fang doesn’t get Ulong-ed.

We’re back with Fang and they try to pep talk themselves again. GC is happy to be immune but is worried there is no leader. The guys & Susie think Michelle should be gone because she doesn’t want to be here. Randy doesn’t believe people and he doesn’t like Gillian. Randy doesn’t like old people. It takes one to know one Randy. Michelle and Ken think of getting rid of Gillian. Ken warns Michelle that she’s on the outside; poor guy likes her too much. Everyone else throws words like “Negative Nancy”. Poor Ken, it doesn’t look good. Gillian has the final word before council.

The groups grab their torches and get their fire. Jeff thinks that this tribe is a group of idiots. Michelle calls out the guys for being lazy and not digging. The whole tribe bickers and Jeff surprisingly doesn’t cut them off. Apparently there is no leader. Jeff asks if anyone wanted to be a leader. No one says anything, GC says something and Jeff points it out. Everyone okays GC being a leader. Rattlesnakes.

Michelle says that Ken is her friend. He makes a face almost nervous that he was called out. And she calls other people dead weight. Gillian is an old woman who can’t go up a hill. Everyone votes. Gillian and Michelle pick each other.

Jeff reads the votes and it’s 5-1 Michelle. (Someone spelled Michelle “Mishel”?) What? Her torch is snuffed and I think Ken is now in here to play. Jeff gives the team their flint.

The team walks back to their camp and GC disliked the whole thing. GC wanted Ken to light the fire, and everyone suggests that GC as the leader does it himself. Luckily, he got the fire up.

Morning at Kota and people have chores done. Charlie is still swooning over Marcus as another morning in Gabon begins. Seriously, vote Marcus off; he’s throwing off your game Charlie. Oh my God. My Survivor nightmare is in full effect. Me and a hot guy in a boat talking about girls. Oh Jeez I just found out that Marcus was Cosmo’s 2006 hottest Georgian. Marcus calls Charlie the heart of his onion. Okay, maybe less romantic, but I’m sure that’s how Charlie heard it. The two talk about Jacque and Corrine. He wants to make a “pitch” for Corrine.

Over on Fang’s side. GC is actually making suggestions for this camp to do something. I love how he’s a maintenance supervisor suggesting everything. GC tries to make the rice. Randy wants to use lake water instead of Boiled water. I think I’d rather use boiled water to cook rice. I mean if there is crap in the water it could mix into the rice and everyone still gets sick. Randy wants the whole tribe to self destruct. Bastard. Why didn’t he vote for Gillian then?

Kota – Marcus talks to Jacque. She suggests Jacque, Marcus and her. And Charlie. She needs one person for a majority and suggests Bob. The four actually are setting themselves for a big crash somewhere along the line.

Night over at Fang and someone was snoring. GC was making squish noises in the night and unfortunately it turns out he’s doing his laundry in the middle of the night. Ken and Susie join and have some discussions. Gillian complains about the lack of sleep. GC backs out of being the leader. Randy is dancing on the inside. Dan is scared but doesn’t want to manage his team. He’s “emotional”. With actual sunlight there is some mail. It sounds like a combined immunity/reward. They get charcoal and pep themselves up with warrior paint. “Shaka gonna kick your ass”, as Crystal says.

Jeff asks them about the silly paint, and shrugs it off. Immunity is back. It’s a big rolling ball challenge. There’s also some keys and locks. The reward is fishing gear. There also is the return of Exile Island. There is a clue for immunity there. Paloma sits out for Kota.

As Jeff says go, there clearly is trouble with the ball. Gillian is pushed around a little. Randy pushes her out of the way. Bob gets the first set of keys for Kota, Ken gets it for Fang. As the balls roll down the hill the teams are tied. Bob aces the untying he’s followed by Ken. A lot of ball rolling and unlocking. Kota unlocks first, quickly followed by Fang. Kota has trouble with putting the ball into the pen, but makes it in before Fang. Jeff actually applauds Fang for being close to winning. Kota decides to send Dan to Exile Island.

Kota relishes in their prize. Charlie is all like fierce in his winnings. Marcus dances silly. I’m sure Charlie is gawking at his blue undies. Jacque is amazed by the fishing skills of everyone.

Dan walks over to Exile Island. He is brought to a difficult decision. Pick Clue or Comfort. He picks clue. Seriously, I’d pick a clue over an Apple. An Apple? What the hell is that for a comfort? I think Dan misreads his clue as he digs around everywhere. The helicopter pans over the sandy pit that he needs to be. He depressively waits outside of the comfort hut.

Fang talks about how much closer they got this time. Crystal talks to Ken. It’s funny that the girls all go to Ken. They discuss voting out Gillian. Gillian and Susie talk about throwing a surprise vote; they want to get rid of Ken. They know that they will be the next two out. Have they had Survivor: Old vs. Young yet? Well there was Panama… but I only want two tribes. Never mind.

Gorillas walk around in High-Def and “GC” is worried. I love contestants with “ ” around their names. Randy saws his glasses for a fishing hook. The girls find some worms. Ken & “GC” go fishing and actually catch some fish. They wrap the fish in leaves and smoke them. Well, not smoke them. Dan comes back and explains the whole clue/comfort thing. GC is nervous and he decides to talk to the tribe about getting rid of either Dan or Gillian. Randy is the only one who doesn’t think that Dan has it. Crystal thinks Dan is a threat (he has the swagger).

The team goes to council. Jeff talks to the tribe about GC being a leader and explains how he stepped down. Apparently it’s Gillian’s fault. I love how Dan is still wearing his purple tie. Crystal starts to talk a little too much like an Olympian, but luckily no one thinks about that. Jeff is surprised by the whole team fishing. Matt… that’s his name. Crystal thinks he has the idol. Dan begs not to go home by shaking the contents of his bag. Dan spells Gillian as “Jillian”. Ken is a putz and drops the marker top. Gillian votes for Ken (or Kenny, because he’s Asian; that’s another story). Everyone stares at Dan as he doesn’t play the idol he doesn’t have. The votes are: 5-1 Gillian (V. Ken of all people). “Bummer” is a good way to close the competition for Gillian.

Next Week: Is Randy the Leader of Fang? Can they fight for their right to Party?

My personal player of the week? Bob. Fixes roofs, makes benches, solves puzzles, and unknots well.

America’s Next Top Model Ep – 5

Previously on Top Model: Makeovers! Crotch cover ups! Deer eyes! Sheena & Clark had like one line.

“Racially Ambiguous” is not really a quote that seems so positive. I have days when I’m racially ambiguous and people try speaking foreign languages to me; and I didn’t like it. But okay. Analeigh is scared of the bottom. Hannah who is questionably racist, tries to snap the girls into shape. Really, you should be talking.

Tyra Mail says some sort of information which Analeigh actually gets right. It’s a Runway Teach. They make sexy bowling shoes? That’s cool. The surface is quite slick, I know. I’ve slipped before making one extra step bowling. I landed on my side. Isis slid, and I don’t feel bad for her. Analeigh walks too slow. I don’t know, I’d be scared. Marjorie walks normally. Hannah waddles, I guess it’s signature. McKey, Lauren, Clarke, and Sheena seem to do fine. Joslyn has enhanced hands, it’s a little drag. Samantha is bow-legged so she has a little bit of walk problem. Elina calmly struts down. She has too much control.

The girls get home and Analeigh, Isis, Sheena, and Hannah go through runway training. Or should I say Hannah asked for help. She really needs it.

Lauren (Brie!) & Clarke are afraid of McKey and Elina. Intimidated and Clark? Didn’t she at week 1 say she could crush everybody? Clarke thinks that Isis is too mannish still. McKey, Isis, and Joslyn talk about Isis’s life. McKey actually says something poignant, “You’re one of us”. Thank you McKey. McKey for the runner up! Because really? Winners don’t do well.

It’s the next day and everyone is strutting up & down the house. The girls are bused to the runway challenge. Jeremy Scott is our designer today and the portfolio is quite interesting. The girls get updos, and McKey looks like a variation of Carol Burnett.



Samantha struggles with lifting her dress. Ms. Jay drops the bomb. Blindfold magazine. Ann Shoket shows up as the judge and tells the prize is an Advertorial, for a 15 year old designer (sweet). Sheena commends her. Jay tells the girls that someone who sucks will be going home. McKey points out that there is limited view, just in case the girls don’t fall. Elina is first and is okay. Analeigh’s walk isn’t too bad. Samantha waves her arms out too badly and then lifts the skirt in pose. Jeremy is pissed. Sheena stomps her way over. Clarke …yeah… Lauren (Brie!) isn’t too bad. Marjorie is a clock. Joslyn toned down the drag. Hannah waddles her way but makes an interesting end pose. Isis did pretty good. McKey somehow works her curtain.



Jay likes Analeigh. Samantha’s arms…ouch. The winner is Joslyn. She goes “Thank You Jesus” Yay God! Jay tells Hannah that she’s going home. It’s a little expected. Her photos weren’t amazing. Joslyn picked Sheena and Isis. Kira is good. I can’t spell her last name. During the photo shoot, all the girls rock the legs.

Tyra Mail. Something about going deep, and going under. Can we just bury half of these girls alive? Marjorie was scared about the competition talking to Analeigh. Analeigh points out everyone who had a bad critique went home.

MLAACV: Whitney bikes around NYC. Yawn.

Another morning shows up with Mr. Jay in really short shorts. The photo shoot is in the house. Or should I say in the water. The test is smiling with the eyes. Nigel is the photographer today. And yes, Analeigh, he is hot in a wetsuit. The girls get insanely interesting pretty makeup. McKey has two poses Deer and squint. Joslyn can’t swim and made her nervous. Clark actually woke up. Jay thinks she was flirting with Nigel. Marjorie has cute Manatee poses. Isis is too nervous about her crotch. Her right eye suffers from sleepy eye. Analeigh is trying her best to bring it, and it isn’t too bad. Sheena channels Crouching Tiger. I love the peacock eyes. Lauren (Brie!) isn’t too bad either. Elina does okay, but she needs to change poses. She got nervous. Samantha isn’t too bad, but got better with the swamp thing poses.

Tyra Mail! Judging Mail. Sheena and Elina talk and Elina points out that she really needed help. Sheena comforts her. Isis calls her godfather and he gives her a pep talk. Dear Isis, Stop wearing those damned hoop earrings.

Top Model In Action: Chantal > Better than Saleisha in pretty much everything.

Tyra’s imitation shot was her drinking from a cup. She reminds us that Hannah is already gone. She reiterates the prizes and judges including Jeremy Scott. Tyra explains the idea came from her chilling her friend Robin.

Sheena is first and the shot is intense. Joslyn, who won the challenge, had a little bit too much white in the eye. Marjorie has a very sexy “wicket” shot. Lauren (Brie) channels a little bit of Amanda cycle 3. Isis looks dead in the shot. Clark’s shot is quite good. McKey’s shot still has the squint and punch in the shot like week 1. Her hand sticks out a little too much though. Elina disappoints. Tyra suggests having a straight shot, because the meat is in the top eye. It’s so weird that she knows these things. I wonder if Tyra ever tells someone, “Oh all the meat is on the top of your eye.” Analeigh’s shot is sexy, in an overall perspective. Samantha’s hands are nice. Jeremy brings the smackdown on Samantha. Ouch. I really don’t think that it was that bad…in comparison to Hannah.

The judges deliberate and everything sounds about the same. Paulina doesn’t like Analeigh. They pointed out Lauren (Brie)’s quite pretty swan hands. Isis needs to stand out. Samantha should get a job as a Truck Stripper.

Tyra calls the first name: Clark. Analeigh. Lauren (Brie!). Sheena. McKey. Marjorie. Joslyn. Elina. (She sank like a stone). Tyra calls Isis & Samantha. Isis isn’t standing out and suffers from Sleepy Eye. Samantha insults designers. Samantha is safe. Poor tranny storyline did’t make it too far. Stop it with the huge hoop earrings. And truthfully, all her shots had sleepy eye. Ooh Double Fadeout.

Next Week: Marjorie is frustrated. And Swamp Thing attacks Models.

Dancing With The Stars: S7 Week 1 Results

Abridged due to Top Model

Hey a group dance to Queen. I thank Thayne & Mark on So You Think You Can Dance for resurrecting my love for Queen. Lacey really does pimp herself for the screen. Maks is still hot, lucky Inna. I wonder which guy’s hand that was snapping.

The first two couples safe were: Brooke & Derrick & Kim & Mark. Really? Kim safe second? I’d scare her by keeping her around the whole episode next to say….Rocco.

Jesse McCartney performs and there was some alumni: Ashly. Adam Corolla talks to people on Hollywood and he swoons over Rocco and talks smack about Lance. Really? Boy Band Jokes? Any who, I caught parts of the Jonas Brother’s performance and it always makes me laugh that that one Jonas plays the tambourine, I would play that too. Or Autoharp. They also talk about the show being “bigger than ever”. They give some number statistics, and talk about eyeliner. Geez I forgot how much fluffer was on these results shows. I can’t believe that I’m agreeing with Nashville Star and America’s Best Dance Crew’s results process.

Somewhere when I was watching top model, Misty-May, Cloris, Warren, & Maurice were safe: Susan & Rocco were next safe. Followed by Lance & Cody Our bottom two are Toni & Ted. Damn you Cody. The couple leaving are Ted & Inna. There goes the new blood of dancers storyline...well, part of it.

Clay Aiken finally comes out, No one is surprised

Surprised? I was watching my local news and the woman was laughing hysterically because they used a clip of Clay from Spamalot. So anywho, he came out apparently because he wanted to set a good example for his son: "I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things."

I'm not shocked, but it's nice to see an increase in gay awareness/fairness/the like. So good luck to you Clay. You still are a good singer no matter what.


Source

Dancing With The Stars S7 – E1 Part 2

Last Night: Cha-Chas. Foxtrots. Cursing, Injuries, Usage of the words “Slut” and “Tits”. Somewhere in the background Brooke Burke had the lead. Jeffery Ross was happy he had 12 points.

Tonight the dresses are worse, including a questionable dress from Samantha. They also have the results show going similarly to Nashville Star.

Lance & Lacey are called first. They say some young things. Lacey says silly things like, “peeing dog”, “Gingerbread man”, and “dramatic squirrel”…I mean Prairie Dog. As they dance, I feel as though with a quick step they are off beat. I blame the producers giving them weirdly paced music. Lacey really has to get the orange scrubbed off of her. Len said the movement was good, but the posture/pose wasn’t good. Bruno calls them “fresh” and “dynamic”. Carrie Ann is entertained, but not impressed. As they go to the back and get interviewed the two act so kiddy and friendly it’s weird. Maybe it was Lance’s slip and saying “Peeing on the dog”. I’m sure it’s something he experimented during his *nsync tour bus days. The scores are a 7, 6, and 8. Exactly the same score as last night and in the same way by the judges. The only way that Lance can really lose is by Len giving bad scores.

Misty-May is the next safe person. They have the Mambo and Misty is learning about having hips. Maks compares her legs with Stacie Kiebler. Poor Misty-May got the cut version of Daniel’s drag dress from Project Runway. I think overall, Misty did well, you could still see stress on her face. And the fact of the matter was that it was 70% Misty-May the whole time. Carrie Ann points out the strength, and she uses the word “Fierce”. Ugh, I guess the time between me predicting the word “Fierce” being used was one day. Len loves her performance skills; she needs more arms. Bruno points out the power, but she needs to lower the shoulders. The scores are three 7s.


Paz's photoshop interpretation of what Misty-May was wearing


Our next safe team is Maurice & Cheryl. Their mambo is quite helpful for Maurice and having Cheryl become a drill sergeant is a plus as well. They are decked out in gold and I got to admit, the song really doesn’t fit a mambo in my book. The dance really doesn’t look like a mambo to me. It’s like a sporadic dance you see at weddings. But a handful of people give him a standing applause. Bruno points out the party thing. Carrie Ann points out good transitions and musicality. Len doesn’t like the “free willy” worm. I love those stock answers “Oh, everyone is intimidating”. The scores are three 7’s. The third 21 in a row.

Brooke & Derrick are next. She maintained her “best dance of the night” status last night. The quickstep is a challenge of having her boobies press against him. She uses a baby in practice. Aww, that’s going to be one cute kid. As they dance they do a little bit of a mashed potato, and their posture doesn’t seem too bad. Len still calls it “best dance so far”. Bruno is blown away. Carrie Ann also agrees, she thinks this night is better than last. The scores are 9,8, and 9. A mind blowing 26 on Week 1. A point away from Kristi.

Cloris & Corky dazzled with their dancing and slap-stick. Cloris is apparently older than the Mambo. I love watching geriatrics booty shake. Haha. Coconut double entendre. The two old contestants make a lot of sexual moves and I never wanted to imagine my grandmother doing things like this, but it’s so playful I forget that she’s 82. They get a standing O. Carrie Ann used the term “grab crotchy” and liked the entertaining value. Len applauds Corky’s teaching ability. Bruno says something a little mumbly, and Cloris wants him to speak English. Oh, never get rid of Cloris. There’s only one other comedian now who I want on this show. John Cleese. The scores are 6,5, and 5. As Carrie Ann throws out her paddle, Cloris calls her a Bitch under her breath. Cloris begs the audience, amazing.

Toni & Alec are happy to be next. With the Quickstep, Toni can’t breathe correctly. Surprising for a singer. I guess Toni is the most likely to faint tonight. The dance pretty well, though you could see at one shot she had to intentionally breathe. Toni achieves a correct Death Spiral as her leg stays on the ground. Bruno points out tightening up the shoulders. Carrie Ann pointed out the glaze of nervousness, but likes the chemistry and movement. Len liked the whole thing, but pointed out a quirky movement and awkward head positioning. The scores are 8, 7, and 8. A solid 23. Am I the only one who thinks that it’s ironic that Toni Braxton sang “Breathe Again” and can't breathe?

The next safe group is Warren & Kym. Warren oafs around in the little video. And he sweats a storm. He again is quite light on his toes. The use the stage amazingly going in circles, going to the middle, and then doing more circles. Kym does this really nifty slide-jump pose at the end. Len liked the entertainment factor, didn’t like the technique. Bruno calls it “tons of fun”. He also goes “beep beep”. Carrie Ann needs more clean footwork. In the interview I can’t help stare behind Warren and see Lacey and Maks make faces. Oh Lacey, you camera whore. The scores are two 7’s and an 8.

We’re given a short video of David Blaine hanging upside. He’s also going to catch a bullet, or get shot to death live on TV. It almost makes me want to watch, but I know if he dies it will be all over the internet.

The next couple safe is Ted and Inna. Ted calls the Mambo his dance. He works really hard in the clip show. As they dance I can’t help but realize how much easier it must be to be the guy. Except for when you drop a girl. The dance is quite entertaining. Carrie Ann points out the slight awkwardness in his movements. Len likes the hard work Ted shows. Bruno said something about Ted squeezing his Mambo. Ted needs to find the rhythm. Insert Generic Backstage interview here. The scores are two 6’s and a 7.

Five people are left and the next one called is Cody. Cody is really that stereotypical cute young boy, with highlights. Julienne wants him to be manly. He struggles with puberty. He’s quite suave though. Cody can get away with that smile. Now as I was gawking they danced a little bit and it seemed mostly clean to me. If it wasn’t clean, blame me for staring at Cody’s teeth. Bruno calls Cody Jiminy Cricket. Carrie Ann calls him going from a boy to a man. Len likes the control overall. The scores are, 8,7, and 8.

Rocco & Karina are safe. Phew. I was afraid we would be gone. He continues to make food analogies. Rocco unfortunately has no hips. Poor guy. Karina is still dancing with a ankle brace. The dancing is quite sexy, though you can see he still struggles with the hip parts. I coulda sworn he walked at one point right at the end. Len points out the improvement. Bruno uses the term “Italian Stallion”. Carrie Ann calls the performance “Super Sexy”. The scores are three 7’s. 21. 7 more than last night. Rocco DiSpirito for Mayor.

Susan & Toni are third to last. The quickstep is stressing out Susan, and she really pushes herself. She glides her way through the whole dance. It’s very floaty, and I’m pretty sure that’s what one looks for in a quickstep. She seems quite happy for herself. Carrie Ann is pleased by the improvement. Len points out how ballroom is better for Susan. Bruno calls her classy and the like. The scores are two 7’s and an 8. I guess having a day two works to break initial nervousness.

So it turns out that the couple with the lowest score is Jeffery and Edyta. Kim & Mark are safe for another week, but it would have been amazing to see Kim gone. Jeffery is happy being there, but feels bad that he was given Edyta. I would be too if I sucked that much.

Kim & Mark are last, suffering from “cold” remarks. Kim needs booty 101. I’m shocked that she doesn’t know how to use her booty. The montage became a rap music video in the end. I see why they kept her for last. Sir Mix-a-Lot? Haha. It’s good to see that she can laugh at herself. Unfortunately, she is still quite stiff. Then again, it looked like her booty has it’s own mind. Bruno is disappointed that Kim can’t use her assets correctly. Len thinks that she needs to act. Carrie Ann knows that standing on heels are hard and that Kim was working hard. The scores are three 6’s.

I will admit I like this year because each contestant really look like they want to be there and try. Maybe it’s because we saw the contestants actually improve in a day.

High:
Brooke – 26
Cody – 23
Warren – 22
Susan – 22

Middle:
Rocco – 21
Maurice – 21
Lance – 21
Misty-May – 21

Low:
Ted – 19
Kim – 18
Cloris – 16


Oh, I will be giving an abridged results show review since I’m also covering Top Model. And really, any excuse to not listen to the Jonas Brothers will be taken.

Dancing With The Stars – S7 Episode 1

This is going to be a weird night isn’t it? I’m reeling from So You Think You Can Dance withdrawal and all I have now is Dancing With The Stars. Two very different shows. Celebrities can’t do as many flips and lifts for their safety. I mean you could break ribs on the other show. Tonight we’ll be seeing 13 dances and tomorrow we’ll be seeing another 13 dances. So its like SYTYCD’s abusing of their dancers. I wonder when the first celebrity will have dehydration.

Anywho, the credits and music still look the same. Sill alphabetical, still similar poses. We’re live. With Tom and that other damned woman. Hello new stars. How do we have these orders made up? Is this like Idol, where the good person gets coveted final “pimp” spot? I doubt Warren Sapp (who is 13) is the best.

I’m sure Tom is still reeling from losing the Best Reality Show Host. Samantha is still annoying. They say things that are important, but it really all sounds the same from last season. Cody & Julienne are first. Cody demonstrates his beat boxing skills. Julienne and Cody meet and Cody plays cool and calm. His dance tonight is the Cha-Cha. Cody mostly spends his time like a teenager, gawking at Julienne.

Oh how I missed silly cha-cha versions of music. Somewhere, Nelly is crying. Julienne is probably happy that they can get away with younger dancing. It overall seemed fine, I’ll wait for the judges.

Len points out high energy. Cody has to hold the energy. Bruno says some weird fortune cookie phrase about being young. He wants Cody to be more clean on footwork. Carrie Ann sees potential.

Ah, I thought there was a double elimination. It’s one gone tomorrow, one gone Wednesday. Cody & Julienne get three 6’s. It’s nice to see scores not horribly inflated early in the game.

Tom tells us that Karina got a twisted ankle and that Jeffery Ross got his eye poked out, though in the little video, I didn’t see anything so I’m calling it comedian’s shtick. But getting back to my point, the Celebrities wouldn’t twist ankles. I betcha they have a contract.

Karina still is going to dance tonight. I’m hoping for an injury. Karina is fierce. Rocco cooks with fire. He feeds her. I want him to feed me. Rocco is struggling from looking down. They dance the foxtrot. Rocco is a little too smiley, but I guess that’s his character. Clearly Karina is doing all the work, with her ferret dress. They clearly replaced the jump with a few under moves.

Bruno points out the bad timing, the bad feet. Carrie Ann thinks it’s “cute” and he has tv personality. Len needs finesse from him. Well, if Rocco loses, then at least Karina won’t have to suffer ankle problems the rest of the season. Rocco is all smiles about having fun. The judges give a 5, 4, and a 5. Ouch, I just realized that’s less than a 50%.

Toni Braxton is next. I used to love her in the 90s. Like TRL and Toonami.(Both are either canceled or will be soon) She’s paired up with Alec, former winner. I remind you that Toni suffers from Angina. She wants to throw herself out. She has heart, but it suffers from angina. They have the cha-cha. To Santana’s smooth. That’s a good translation. Toni is quite good for week one. I didn’t put her as a dead ringer in my stats sheet because she doesn’t dance much during performances. Carrie Ann calls it a week 5 performance. Len likes the choreography, but she needs to work on the legs. Bruno like’s his slinky divas which is Toni. She is also timed well. I guess she’s going to be my dark horse, until week 4 when she pulls in front of Lance Bass. Their scores are a two sevens and an 8. Great for a week 1. She breathes heavy, probably due to nerves and not the heart disease.

Our first Olympian. Maurice Greene. He’s lucky he’s paired with Cheryl. He’s put on one of those form braces in practices as well. Rocco needed one of those. He has the foxtrot. He seems kind of stiff at parts but I’m sure he was just trying to keep his form. Cheryl is trying her best to cover it up by being amazing. And not a drunk, like I see her during downtimes on TMZ. Len thinks it had a little bit of everything. He uses a sprint/marathon analogy. Bruno points out how when he was in a hold he was stiff. Carrie Ann wants him to be more ballroom.

As an aside, hello band. I welcome your music butchering again. It eases my pain when Idol returns and they butcher as well.

Maurice’s scores are three 6’s. Another 18.

Brooke Burke is a model and TV host. I remember her from Rock Star: INXS. Vaguely. She meets Derrick. He meets her kids. She has a plus of nice limbs, but has no memory. I guess it’s from years of using a prompter. Her dancing looks like she’s thinking too much. But it’s mostly there. Carrie Ann points out dancer’s body. Go supermom! Bruno is at a loss for words. Len said that it’s the “best dance so far”. I hate when they say that. What happens if the person next is better? The scores are 7 and two 8’s. Samantha reminds me that we have possibility that there could be a Shannon Elisabeth-esque meltdown if Brooke can’t remember things. Lets hope so.

Ted points out how he was Jefferson on Married With Children. Love the show. Inna is a firecracker. Ted is basically the everyman in this competition. Oh no! They are butchering the Beach Boys. Poor Inna, she’s doing all the work. Ted is stiff and not graceful, but I’m sure the judges will say otherwise. Bruno points out that his technique needs help. Len points out the suave-ness. He liked the footwork. Carrie points out the nerves. The scores are three 6’s.

Lance is not a good dancer. Lacey is too punk-rock for this show. It clearly has turned into the gay guy and the fag hag. Lance still reminds us that gay men have inert rhythm. Ah, stereotypes. Lacey is showing her west coast swing in her choreography. Very flashy. I wonder if we’ll ever see Benji. Len points out how young and modern it is, but Len is old. Carrie Ann thought it was hot. She said it was sharp. Bruno used the word “edgy” oh no, soon it will become “fierce”. Backstage they talk smack about Joey Fat-one. Poor Lacey, she made a gay joke and is too tanned. The scores are an 8, 6, and 8. Poor Len is too old.

Oh Cloris Leechman. She has a mouth on her. She’s paired with Corky, Mark’s father. I love the behind the scenes of Cloris. She’s just funny. I think I’ll keep her around just because she’s graceful. And I want to see her do a Paso Doble. Her whole dance was like a Boniva commercial. “I take one Boniva a day and I can dance the night away”. The audience gives her a standing ovation. Carrie Ann is laughing hysterically. Bruno is amazing. Cloris flirts with him. Len tries to give his judgment as Cloris flirts with him. Keep her just for the funny. Carrie Ann says she’s a golden oldie. Cloris is a show stopper, literally. The scores are a 6, 5, and 5. Cloris curses up a storm. She thinks the whole thing is stupid. Ah, I love her. I think I better vote.

Jeffery poked out his eye. He’s paired up with Edyta. He finds her hot, of course. He’s dancing for the “regular” guys. Oh storyline, overlap. I like the outfits. It’s so Jewish disco. He dances better than Penn last year. That’s not saying much. Carrie Ann has nothing to say, she feels bad for the eye poke. Did Bruno call it “Cloverfield 3D”. Bruno also said “Tits”. Hah, and it didn’t get beeped. Len said something, but I didn’t notice it past the jokes. He also makes a joke at Kim Kardashian. The scores are three 4’s. He feels good about it.

Kim is like so excited. Kim likes her chances with Mark. Then they show a clip show of her bad balance. She needs to squeeze her calves, thighs, and booty. But they don’t say booty. She kind of reminds me of Nicole Scherzinger. And she gets the pink panther theme. It’s quite graceful. Her family applauds her. Len said that it was clean, but cold. Bruno, calls her Princess Jasmine, but he wants her to be “more open”. He also uses the term “treasure trove”. Carrie Ann wants more head/neck motion. Haha this is all like a porn review. The scores are 6,7, and 6. I really hate the question of “is it everything?” because they always answer “more”. Ah Samantha, with your stock questions.

Susan Lucci, I remember her as Erika Kane when I was 5. She’s with Tony. Tony is going to be good molding her acting skills. It’s quite nice to see an older woman confident enough to wear skimpy clothes. After seeing her dance, I know who I want next year. Lynda Carter. It had a few stiff parts here and there. Bruno, needed a slut, not a graceful lady. Carrie Ann gives props to the outfit, but she needs a little weight. Len said it was too careful. I must have gone crazy but I think I just heard some more usage of the word “slut”. I guess when I put my odds sheet, I mistook Susan Lucci with Erika Kane. The scores are three 5’s.

Dear Misty-May, keep your hair down. Maks is nervous, but he can find the grace in any woman. They dance the foxtrot, and she looks a little like Paulina Poriskova. Their dancing reminds me of early Laila & Maks. Carrie Ann likes her intensity, she wants her to relax a little. Len thought it was elegant, and the holds were good. Bruno reminds her to adjust her weight in turns. The judges give a 6,8 and 7. A little bit everywhere.

Warren Sapp is last. Kym Johnson still is winless. Surprisingly, Warren is light on his feet. It’s so funny seeing someone who is so top heavy move so gracefully. You know the thing I like about him? He was genuinely having fun on the floor. He winks a little bit too much, but I’m sure it’s a signal. Len points out the fun-ness. Carrie Ann likes the fun and positivity. Bruno calls him a big boy, quite fancy in the footwork. The scores are three 7’s.

The Scores (sans voting):

The Top:
Brooke – 23
Toni – 22
Warren Sapp – 21
Misty-May – 21
Lance – 21

Middle:
Kim – 19
Ted – 18
Maurice – 18
Cody – 18


Bottom:
Cloris – 16
Susan – 15
Rocco – 14
Jeffery – 12

Who do I think should go home? It’s a little early, but I’m going to go with Jeffery.

Who will go home? I’m going with both score and fan base, but I’m still going to say Rocco. As long as Cloris stays a few more episodes.

PS I’m gonna warm up into these posts, I swear.

Former Reality Star Falters…Again.

And I thought that Gone Country was a questionable show. Today we’re gonna take a look at the numbers from former Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica alumni Jessica Simpson. Her newest album “Do You Know” sold 65,000 copies in it’s first week. This is in comparison to her previous very pop album “A Public Affair” that sold 101,000 copies in it’s first week.

I think that in comparison to the other pop artists of the late 90s / early 00s (Britney, Christina, Mandy Moore, or even Willa Ford) Jessica Simpson had the highest chance of going country. You knew she got a taste when she decided to butcher Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Are Made For Walking”. I really hoped that that was the last straw, but alas she keeps trying to come back into the spotlight.

It’s sad that there are only two big things I really remember her for, 1) The Chicken/Tuna debacle and 2) Divorcing Nick Lachey (who by the end of the show’s run I felt sorry for). Her music was very throwaway and her biggest hit (arguably) was “With You” which went 2x Platinum Thanks Wikipedia. Clearly she gained popularity from her MTV Show.




Does Jessica need another reality show to re-establish her career? Possibly. I wouldn’t mind seeing her as a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Is her dad still her manager? He better pimp his daughter more.


Source for Album Sales

America’s Next Top Model – Episode 4

Last Week: Was Hannah racist? I dunno. Girls held on to a ladder. Sheena used the power of her ass. Nik went home and talked her way out.

Brittany is afraid that she’s “pretty”. Sometimes I really think these girls think that pretty is bad. Analeigh is also nervous. The girls walk into Tyra in their living room. Pizza party! Everyone put on your Tiaras! Tyra hit 20-21 and her booty and boobs got too large. Puberty hit her really late I guess. She had to go from high fashion to American…ahem commercial fashion. Somewhere along the line there was a moral leading to Tyra announcing that it’s makeover time. As Tyra is telling Analeigh what she’s getting, Ms. Jay (as the wicked witch) gives Tyra an apple. She bites it. And goes all Snow White Mr. Jay comes in as prince charming. This is weird. Mr. Jay has never looked so manly. He sweeps her off without telling the girls much.

The next day comes in the Jays tells the girls that the makeovers are going to be a surprise. Like last season. Some freak shows up in a mirror in the corner of my television. Apparently it’s Tyra She tells us what each girl is getting. Marjorie gets died brown, no buzz cut. Joslyn gets wavy long weave. Elina is afraid that she’s gonna look crazy, she’s paranoid; she is hoping for long brown/black hair. Of course she’s not getting that. Samantha is getting a chop. As good witch tyra says, “Elevate”. Samantha looks like every stereotypical model contestant. Especially that one contestant in the second season who cried because she had to dangle. (Who cares about her name?) Hannah gets symmetrical Saleshia like cut. Clark got a chocolate brown. And her after shot looks horrible, all these girls’ after shots are bad. Lauren (Brie!) got the pee-blond, but a little more tasteful than poor Anya got last year. Maybe it’s her skin tone. Sheena got stereotypical Asian girl highlights, and apparently that’s going to make her look less Kimora. All she really had to do is straighten her hair. Analeigh got blonder. Jesus, Analeigh’s after shot looks horrible as well. Elina is scared and you know that it’s going to be nerve wracking when the white girl gets master weavologist. So to become a weaveologist, do you need to get a doctorate?

Elina is “skurd”. Like Sheena, she looks too much like a celebrity (in this case it’s Angelina Jolie). So she’s getting a red weave. Luckily you could take out the weave and she still has the hair underneath. She looks like she has a big Irish afro. Kind of like Cycle 8’s Brit, except that it won’t look like a rat-weave because Elina’s whole head was done. McKey gets black short hair. Isis needed to look less manly so she got straight long hair. Britany gets “edged” out. Long and curly weave. Ms. Jay calls her a trophy wife.

Tyra Mail! The clue was “Working the late shift” which translates to the girls going to Wal-Mart at night. Joslyn is right at home. Sutan welcomes the girls and introduces Nigel’s wife. She reveals Whitney’s picture open-mouthed and all. The challenge is putting on makeup and doing a 30 second commercial. The real challenge? No script. And there is a prize, but I only heard $1000 gift card from Wal-Mart. Hannah was a little country. The first few girls are good, but Analeigh, Britnay, and Marjorie mess up. She says “Wal Greens”. Elina is also bad. The winner is Hannah. She’s just happy to Google herself. I do that already, I don’t need a Cover Girl commercial.

Tyra Mail! Something involving being “suited”. This episode is quite Analeigh and Britney based, I totally forgot that Sheena and Clark are even here. Elina doesn’t like her mother. She even hates her. Brittany calls her “ungrateful”. Elina walks away.

MLAACV: Whitney talks about taking a photograph. In several of her shots, you can see she was looking too high up so she had no pupils. Take note girls, don’t look like a zombie.

Analeigh is practicing poses. Marjorie and Isis tell her not to pout. The girls are brought to a house overlooking the beach. Mr. Jay tells the girls that it’s swimsuit day! Ugh, it would have been so much more interesting if it was the girls in pant-suits on the beach trying to be sexy. He reminds us that Tyra was on Sports Illustrated decades ago. It must be Eons already. Susan Holmes is also there to promote her swimwear. Mr. Jay drops the bomb that its time to go without their training wheels, but they get a little talk time with Jay. Sheena is first and doesn’t seem too bad.

Mr. Jay is talking about strengths with the girls. Seems kinda mean on the editing that Sheena looked like she didn’t get any. Jay probably told her, “Don’t be hoochy.” Joslyn is positive and that’s her strength. Analeigh is on the shore with a big rock and waves. I think that she was a little uncomfortable with the rock. McKey is quite strong no matter what. Hannah looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Clark isn’t too bad today.

Brittany talks to Mr. Jay about how to execute not thinking. She did a few standing shots. Then she did this really bad walk on the beach. As the photographer tells her to walk normally, she would do these bad “I’m taking pictures so I don’t really move” walks. Samantha is looking good. Jay tells Elina to work the hair. Elina’s beauty comes out even past the hair. Marjorie is also quite pretty. I take back the statement about Lauren (Brie!) and her hair. It’s wayyy blonder with the sun touching it. Isis is afraid of having a little bit of crotch nervousness. Isis gets a chair so that she can cross her legs. But you see crotch.

Tyra Mail! Judging time. Sheena actually says something this week and it turns out only being the mail. That means she lasts at least 2 more episodes. Brittany is scared. Isis is nervous.

Judging time, I love how Tyra has to have a one piece. We have our normal judges and Susan Holmes. Tyra calls Sheena “tropical”. Well, she was originally from Hawaii. She smiled with her eyes. Analeigh’s arms are a little out of proportion. Clark dark is better. Her mouth looks too tense. Hannah needed to take off that scarf. Hannah’s film is European. Lauren (Brie!) gets a Caridee comparison. I think that it’s a positive comparison. Brittany is natural in the photo, but it doesn’t impress. McKey is beautiful and it shows. Clear front-runner. Isis is suffering from sleepy eye. Marjorie doesn’t get French music! Samantha looks great. Elina gets a good shot and doesn’t have to worry about tattoos. Joslyn has stereotypical ghetto girl pose. Heyyyyy!

Top Models in Action: Lisa (Cycle 9) has a decent career now. That’s nice to hear after that one episode where she cried through a commercial. Maybe she just picked a career where she wouldn’t have to speak.

The judges contemplate. Sheena is soft. Maybe too soft. Analeigh doesn’t have enough potential. Clark needs posing practice. Lauren (Brie!) lacks some personality I guess. Brittany… Samantha is fierce. Hannah needs to be a little messier. Isis was a little stuck. Marjorie was correctly posed. McKey = pretty. Elina cried and then she brought it, Joslyn looks good but is a little too “mall” in the pose.

Elina is called first this week. She lucks out because she gets a great head shot. Lauren (Brie). Sam. McKey. (Notice that all the closer up shots/head shots were called first?) Sheena. Joslyn. Marjorie. Clark. Isis. Hannah (you think that winning the challenge would put her higher). I think we knew that Analeigh and Britney were gonna be the bottom two from the first 2 minutes of this show. Britnay doesn’t connect. Analeigh has high expectations drilled upon her. Because she Ice Skates? What? Analeigh is safe. She better practice.
Brittany needs to practice European High Fashion. Not that cheesy American fashion. She gets it. But she vows that she’s not gonna fadeaway. Speaking of fadeaways. What? That is the worst group shot ever. And to think I was afraid of Anya’s shot last year.



Next Week: Bowling model walks. A walk elimination. Nice.

Big Brother 10 Ends, Countdown til Big Brother 11 Begins

Well, the 10th season of CBS reality series Big Brother came to an end last night, with Dan the winner Big Brother 10. Big Brother Fans Blog has a decent recap of the final episode there.

Now there has been some speculation that Big Brother 11 might start earlier, with another season in the winter ( like this year which had an extra season due to the Writer's Strike). Howeber, I haven't heard anything about it. I would assume it will be back in summer 2009.

Americas Next Top Model Cycle 11 Episode 3

Previously: Sharaun was stupid. McKey punches. Marjorie gets stereotypical French music.

Hey opening sequence! Very Tyra centric, when isn’t it though? I like the shot of Tyra going to some lackey, “Edit This!!!!!” It’s probably about photoshopping her thighs. All the girls in their hippy-wear really don’t make sense in this context. Especially Sheena who looks like she just did the same exact pose for all her pictures; I like the girl but she needs direction.

Any who, the girls are reeling from their first elimination. Majrorie is happy to see her picture, with random adjectives next to it. Nikeysha’s New Year Resolution? Shut up. Heyyy! Let’s see how long she lasts.

Tyra Mail – I don’t care about the message, what is up with the Tyra shots? Bending over backwards of course means Benny Ninja in some insane green neon. Some random model is contorted into a box. The Australian model can extreme pose. Kinky. Sheena is popped in a “hoochie” pose as an example of her flexibility. The girls have to pose in large red pantyhose. Hannah is confused and Nik is in pain and she talks back to Benny. Don’t talk back to Mr. Ninja. (Op! She just broke her New Years Resolution!) Isis’s face is not to par. Bree liked Sheena, but I’m not sure if it’s just because she’s a hooch.

The girls read yet another mail about how to put the lesson to hand. All the girls get into the pool. Heyyyy! Sheena does a “dance” dare. What? I want to hang out with these girls and do dares; they’d probably dare me to iron a shirt. Sheena says, “I’m not a hooch” as she booty pops. I love editors. Clark kisses Elina and there are fireworks! I totally would suggest everyone to kiss someone of the same sex one day, it’s not bad. Hannah is outcasted and clearly she wouldn’t like me either. She pushes Isis, I’m not sure how violently, but she needed her space. Wait a second, aren’t two girls right next to her shoulders? Oh well. Maybe at home Hannah is not allowed to have boys and girls in the same hot tub. Sheena and Brittany try to talk to Hannah, and Hannah says that she was a stereotypical white girl who thinks that Black girls are all, “Heyyyy!” I guess this house really doesn’t help her stereotypes. She then cries, and Tyra sneaks in to drink her tears; it keeps her young.

The girls all talk about Hannah’s situation. Isis get’s Analeigh’s help to inject herself. She becomes a chicken to support Isis. I really was expecting, maybe holding hands.

The girls are now at their challenge. It’s a jewelry/handbag challenge. The prize? A handbag full of girly things! Lauren (Brie!) did meh. Isis, is still reeling from the shot. Britney/McKey and Samantha make silly poses. Joslyn and Analeigh use toe poses. Nik says something about pee. Then she is frazzled. Elina is fierce albeit stiff. Sheena is all “feng shui” putting the bag in her crotch. Clearly in the “feng shui” book she read said, “Place things with big prizes near your big prize.” Elina wins the challenge. I think it’s all about the face that sold it for me.

Tyra Mail! There’s a lot of mail this year. Challenge tomorrow.

The “ethnic” girls are nervous of Hannah. Sheena’s mental dictionary kicks in with the word “discrimination”. Joslyn pops it out asking about racism. Hannah denies and walks into the kitchen to cry. Analeigh is seriously getting Ms. Congeniality tonight.

MLAACV: Whitney talks about her mom. And her mouth is still gaped open as she stares at New York. At least she’s not actually doing… you know, model-y things.

Hannah is being edited badly. That’s all I’ll say. The girls get on their bus and get out to see a hot air balloon. Jay pops up and explains the shoot today. Ladder! Clark gets an interview and I forgot who she was.

Sutan helps explain a mind frame for the girls. I really do like Sutan this year, his editing makes sense. Isis practices in the mirror. We’re introduced to Mike Ruiz. Mike Ruiz did the photos with the superheroes in season 5. He really needs to redeem himself, because that really wasn’t impressive. I blame those models.

Lauren (Brie!) gets nervous as she stares at the men holding the balloon. It gets too windy so they use a crane. Lauren poses well. Not Cheesy (Heyyy!). Elina has fierce eyes so it doesn’t matter what her pose looks like. Hannah says the racist stuff again. The “ethnic girls” still keep talking crap.

Analeigh is stiff. Sheena gets hoochy. She holds the ladder with her booty. Amazing, if she can climb a ladder with her booty, she should apply for The Amazing Race. Isis struggles and has poo-face in the 10 seconds we’re given of her. Nik’s panties are showing. She is worried about falling. Seriously, there’s a mat. I’d fall on it. Brittany looks like she was just normally climbing the ladder. Joslyn is good. 13 tryouts must make her want to work it. Clark looks too short. Hannah is nervous. She loses her neck. Samantha walks in and doesn’t work the dress. McKey has a smirk that she needs to find. Stop moving. Marjorie is so amazing that they used about 10 seconds of her shoot.

Hannah is nervous. Tyra Mail! Sheena tries to be funny and tell all the other girls to go home. I think that’s because she know’s that she won’t get that horrible bleach-pee blond because Tyra makes all the Asian girls have “fierce edgy cuts”.

There are some random shots of Tyra playing with rope and her faux-photoshoot photo. Tyra rambles off the prizes and the judges. Ms. Jay’s shtick is a necklace with the numbers.

Analeigh looks okay, but thinks in her pic. Samantha’s dress makes her look fat. Hanna’s shot is a little angle-y . Nik needs to eat. Her face is nice, but her poses are bad. Lauren (Brie!)’s shot is amazing and its actually one we saw. McKey’s pose is great but her face moved. Clark’s skin tone is questionable, but her face is good in the shot. Isis looks pedestrian, but her shot looks okay. Paulina doesn’t like it. Marjorie get’s a French music and her photo is amazing. Elina’s shot is sexy. Sheena still looks hooch. Her shot is good except for her boobs. Brittany looks like the most normal. Joslyn is last and her shot is fierce and angry. Sheena comes back and talks about the breasts. They aren’t real. Duh, I only knew one Asian girl with breasts and they were HUGE! *Ahem* Where was I? Oh yeah, Sheena is commended for having fake boobs and admitting it.

Where are they now? Shannon is still in Elite and still models. She’s also married to a model.

The judges deliberate. They talk about makeovers a little. Nigel’s edit for Hannah almost shows that some judges don’t know what’s happening. They talked about hooch and Sheena. Crotch shots! Isis needs to bend an arm.

The best photo this week is: Lauren (Brie!) an amazing shot for week 2, Elina, Joslyn, Marjorie, McKey, Samantha, Sheena (who is shocked), Hannah, Clark, Brittany, Analeigh.

Nik and Isis. Nik suffers from Heyyy! and talks too much… and Saleisha hair. Isis suffers from bad poses and doesn’t look like a model. Isis is safe. Nik talks over Isis’s critique. Bitch. She walks it out. (Hey this isn’t Dance Crew) She cries and I look at two photos and realize she’s meh. She talks over the fadeout and the black screen. Amazing.




Next Week: Screaming. Makeovers! Elina looks scared. I think I’ll do something with my hair to celebrate. Maybe a Hillary Clinton 90’s-headband.

America’s Next Top Model Season 11 Episode 1 & 2

This season we get the two hour casting special/first elimination. One thing that gets me a little miffed is that they give you the photos of the 14 girls that made it through on the website, but apparently 20 make it, so you automatically know who the six are that are eliminated. We’re introduced with shots of LA. Tyra talks about herself. There are shots of older seasons, but not of that Brady girl. The first girl we see is Hannah from Alaska. I can’t believe the one girl called her “Oriental”. Quick lesson: Oriental = Thing. Asian = person. The bus arrives and futuristic Jays show up. TMIT = The Top Model Institute of Technology. How do I apply to get to that College? Is it a two-year program? The girls run in and change into a skintight suit and whore boots. The girls go to the “body” scan. Who hired these effects people? Are they from VH1? We have some girls who are aggressive, others who are vegan, most who put their arms on their hips when taking photos. The girls then go to the runway “lab”. The Jays mention having superior walks. Isis, is a little broken. Sheena is a hooch. Joslyn twirls. A-swirl girls! A-swirl!

Next there is a “Glaminator”. To make the girls to do better. The machine breaks down. Tyra musta been too heavy to fit in there. Tyra’s thighs are huge. Tyra said “Bankable”! Drink! Tyra really should look for America’s Next Top Martian. (Wouldn’t it be Mars’ Next Top Martian?) Tyra announces one-on-ones. There’s some bad transition scene of Tyra and the Jays dissolving.

Tyra and the Jays? Now that sounds like a good band. I hope Tyra’s not reading this.

We’re introduced to Brittany B. She’s crazy. She clings on to the lucky underwear, juicing every last bit of luck that she can from it. Lauren Brie. She’s kinda cheesy to me. It’s like she should have parenthesis in her name. Lauren (Brie). Analeigh. She figure-skates. And was apparently almost a prince’s wife. I wouldn’t buy her.

The girls inside start dancing and of course someone starts a soul train. I don’t think Clark got it and she just walked down. Clark talks smack. Clark is confident. She’s not insecure. Her walk is a little much. We got Casey and she’s one of those black/white girls. She has hair vs. weave situation. Marjorie speaks French and is awkward. She has the quirky look. Tyra speaks in tongues again. Someone hose her down with holy water, she may start spitting acid. Joslyn is both afraid of the whole age thing, but then looks at the Mormon girl like she’s crazy. Veronique. Ah, she’s the Mormon one. She was on Lock Down because of sex. Crazy. I saw a movie about gay Mormons on lockdown. I hope they put her in an ice-tub.

Isis brings the picture. She was a homeless girl in the background of last season’s first photo. You know Anya was a good model when she still outshone Isis. She’s “Trans-something” basically born in the wrong body. She’s pre-op. Meaning she has a ding-a-ling. Looking at the walk, I think I saw a little package there.

The girls with small breasts talked about small boobs and then cornered Isis for having small boobies. The itty-bitty club lead by Casey starts to pick on her. Sheena talks about Isis being commendable and has spirit. Clark is all about the competition. Shut up all ready. It’s only been 20 minutes and every time I’ve seen Clark on screen she’s talking about how she’s all confident and can beat the competition. Sheena is quite Sheena. And she (verb)’s hard. No matter what. She’s Kimora-esque. She is half Korean/Japanese. I bet you she can make good street slam poetry.

Lindsey’s a thin plus size. Tyra’s size. So like size 10. Lindsey is in the middle. Wait a second…wasn’t Whitney a Size 10? Plus Size = 12-16. We learn that Tyra has cellulite. I betcha she eats it out of a jar. Brittany R is half black/native American. She’s a “diverse person” and I like the skin tone.

The girls eat. Some more awkwardly than others. Hannah swings her hair when she talks. She was moose-chased before. Tyra becomes a moose and chases her. Hannah then chases her. Personally, I would just run away from a moose chasing me. My form of “firerce” is the defending of myself with a shotgun as it’s chasing me.

There’s a dance montage into Joslyn. Her pitch stays too high at the interview. Joslyn tries to sell a towel, a little too sexy. She has auditioned 30 times. This is accomplished by going several casting calls in one season.

Renee is from Tennessee. She wants to make Nashville a modeling capital. Elina is a vegan. She can’t do meat. She does gender-specific clothes. She’s a flirt. Growl. The editing then gets to Lesbian talk. Words like “weirdo” pop up. She then has a crush on Clark. That’s right Clark, beat your competition (in bed).

Whitney’s MLAACV played and I didn’t get it. 100x better than Saleisha trying to go to Wal-Mart.

Nikeysha sports the Saleisha hair. Thankfully, that will have to go at makeover. If she survives to episode 3. She flashes the panel. Heyyyyy! We’re introduced to Brittany. Another Brittney? She cage fights with Jay. Susan is a Harvard grad. She is stumped by a dumb question about heroines. Then Tyra names some books. Susan is blanked. Overly beached tan Samantha walks in. It might be the white lights in the background. Tyra asks Sam to name 5 current models. She’s blank as well. These girls bring nothing to the table.

So we’re finally done with Phase 1. 33 -> 20. The jays are wearing a really really loud pink shirt. It bleeds on my screen. Does it bleed on high-def? They do some silly palming technique. The first few are granted and denials are inter-dispersed. More than one Brittney survived. Renee cries.

Photoshoot time. The girls are given 5 minutes to change and do makeup. Elina says something activism related. I get it, you’re passionate, but seriously this is America’s Next Top Model, not America’s Next Top Vegan. Samantha did some odd makeup. Marjorie is natural. I just realized the girls are on Yoga Balls. Clark says yet another statement about being Competitive. Starting with Sheena silly music playing as she bounces around, other girls are also silly. I think Sheena is getting the “Hooker with a Heart of Gold” edit. Elina has pretty graceful hands. The photos are done. I hope those yoga balls are paid well.

Top Models in Action? Tocarra is in Italian Vogue. And her boobs are bigger than I ever remembered. But you knew she had potential because she had drive. Although it was edited that she was losing it. And she successfully segwayed from 2 reality shows to a real career.

The 3 talk about the models. Andaleigh has the natural hair movement. Nikeysha was all hey. Yawn. I’m gonna wait. We have three Brittney’s. Lindsey is less than or equal to Whitney. Marjorie is too European for Jay’s taste. Clark needs ugly-ing. I wish I got a compliment like that one day. “You’re too pretty.” Hannah did the robot in her photo, Fierce! Fierce beaming up via Scotty! This is like a sad episode of Who Want’s to be a Superhero?

The final girls are: Sheena (Thank You Mama), Analeigh, Nikeysha (Heyyy!), Marjorie (Merci!), Samantha (Swear?), Elina, Brittney…R, Brittney…S (UFC!), Brittany …B (Panties!), Hannah (Moose!), Lauren (Cheese!), Isis, Clark (omg), and finally Joslyn (30! In 11!).

Here's my version of the fadeout


Tyra talks about wanting it to the remaining 6. Kasey, buh-bye.

Heyyyyyyy! Fierce Finger-wave! One Time for the Asians! Funnier that Sheena got subtitles for that section.

The girls got a car ride/tour. The girls all talk about getting the prize. Yawn. I’ve heard all of this for 11 seasons now. Marjorie talks about being quirky. The girls are all on the roof. McKey and Sharun are the two other Brittneys. Isis wants the surgery. The Jays show up to train the “bitches”. The girls take an (eco-friendly) bus over. Make-up party!

The girls run into their house. Heyyyy! Hannah gives us the same no electricity/water speech again. I like the phone booth. The Fierce Awards are in one hallway, Tocarra being the fiercest of them all.

The girls all ask silly questions to Isis. I think she needs braces. I’m not even looking at her taped ding-a-ling, I’m staring at her Jacked up teeth. Marjorie is quirky…still. Isis gets into the pool and has fun. The girls who are white complain. Traditionalists. Bah!

McKey beats a pillow. Tyra mail! At least it’s not on a scrolly-bar. The girls are sent to the Magic Castle. Sam is freaked out. Ed the magician introduces himself. Poor misfit. The two Jays are serving as assistants. The cabinet reveals fierce Nigel. The magician pulls out a book about “Secerets of a Top Model” and opens it and there’s nothing there. Clearly a sign that this show teaches these girls nothing. The magician then magically makes Paulina emerge. Quite a classy lady. Sheena’s street accent is going to grate on me this season. I always found the Chinese/Brooklyn combo to be cool, but only from that one friend that I talked to like once a month.

Paulina talks about the connection between magic and modeling. I always just called it Photoshop. Really, I’ve seen Tyra’s “portfolio” and that’s magic.

Who are you? One on One time. Marjorie is afraid because she’s too quirky. Sharun is America’s next top model. That’s it. The End. World Peace is silly. McKey would beat a nasty photographer. Marjorie…oh no! She’s quirky. Isis studied! Does Nigel know she’s a tranny?

There’s a box at home. Stereotypical free clothes for a model. Sheena is trying to be positive for all the girls. That’s nice. Espeically since Marjorie is quirky.

The girls are at their first shoot. The first photo shoot is all about the Elections! Take a stance! I even doubt some of these girls could tell us who is running. Voting = Sexy. Marc Rosenthal is our photographer.

Marjorie is first. She gets immigration…she’s comfortable but uncomfortable, because she’s quirky. Awkward works wonders for her. Brittany is military. Note: All models should practice posing with a fan blowing at them. Clark doesn’t know what bureaucracy is. Don’t worry, hun, although I had a vague understanding, I had to spell check it. She just looks awkward and not Marjorie awkward; it doesn’t help to not know the definition and take a stance. McKey is environment. She’s too “green”. Oh Jay, your advice doesn’t help. She starts to punch, but the punching puts the passion back in the eyes. Clark is all like, “you’re gone”, because Clark is gonna beat the competition. Wow, this show is redundant when you have to watch it in two hour brackets.

MLAACG! Whitney talks about making an impression. She makes a nice smile, unfortunately her mouth is always open. Luckily her breath is fresh. And her voice is 1000 times lighter than I remember.

Hannah is given nuclear weapons. They damage moose! Elina is all about foreign policy. She reminds me of Natasha but not with the hokey lip pout. Isis gets Privacy. The girls are talking smack in the background. She tries to be fierce no matter what.

Sheena has Energy. She’s a Hooch! Hooch alert! Joslyn. Truthfully unemployed. Analeigh has healthcare. She has trouble with her neck. Sharun has homeland security. She complains. Jay says its Convoluted. She responds: What? I really hope she knew what “convoluted” meant. She’s quite stiff.

Sam has Economy, the arrows are going down! Sam gets it. My stock in her has risen immensely. (Then again I said that about Wesley on Project Runway and he was gone next) Lauren (Brie!) has education. Bigger papers get to hit her in the face. Nikeysha gets cloning. She gets a double shot. She was everywhere.

Tyra Mail! One person reading! Yay! Elina actually sounded smart. What’s smart? Sharun, ugh, cut her already. Marjorie is afraid she’s gonna get bad criticism, because she’s quirky.

We’re treated with a shot of Tyra in curlers. What? How is that inspiring? What is Tyra wearing? She names the prizes. Still the same prizes. Still the same Judges. No guests?

Marjorie gets French music. The picture is great. She just needs not to be awkward in person, because she’s quirky. Sharun is up and her legs are always open. Ouch. Hooch! Clark still doesn’t know what Bureaucracy is. Clark is a black widow with red tape…or so Paulina thinks. Elina really looks like Natasha. Or I’m crazy. Or Both.

Nikeysha nervously walks in. What happened to Hey! The shot was Cloning. I think they cloned the same picture. I thought they would grab two (one from the left and one from the right) and superimpose them. I mean if it’s the same girl, it’s a clone. I understand one point being she gets two photos, but Heyyy! I wouldn’t complain. Nikeysha gets called out about her attitude. Samantha’s clothing options are too much. Samantha also looks 80s healthy. Joslyn is too much for the clothes as well. Unemployment does not equal hooker.

Analeigh is a little broken in the healthcare shot. Get it? Ah, nevermind. Modeling Tip: Find the right light source. (Isis knows) Brittany has military. She’s supposed to be strong and proud and she nails it.

Hannah loves Gossip Girl. That’s a shameless plug. Nuclear Weapons. Nope. Then again I think it may have worked if Hanna got Nuclear Energy. That’s at least a better topic. Sheena. Energy. Not as hoochy. Maybe the hoochy came from the other side of the face. Tyra’s modeling note: Play the opposite of what you’re wearing. McKey is sporting the boxer stance in her shot. Clark makes a face (Five bucks say’s McKey is called out before you). McKey needs to keep the face and drop the arms.

Lauren (Brie!) is a little vacant. Isis looks homeless.Again. Privacy: I got it. It looks like nervousness and fear, but sexy.

Marjorie and French. And Nerves. Sharun – No. Sam is already getting haircut ideas. Clark is bad, but leggy. Isis has something…a ding-dong! Heyyyy! Nigel’s flirting with Isis will stop. Voting. Yeah. I know. That happened on a lot of other reality shows. *Cough* SYTYCD *Cough*

The first name will have the photo displayed in the house. And that’s Marjorie. Isis. McKey. Joslyn. Elina. Samantha. Brittany. Sheena. Analeigh. Clark. Lauren (Brie!). Hannah. Sharun and Nikeysha are our bottom two. Sharun is not a good girl being interviewed. Nikesia started being all attitudey. Nikeysha is chosen and Sharun breaks down. Woah. Sharun, seriously, be real.

Yay, fade out that bitch.



Next Week: Girls make out! Is Hannah Racist? Find out next week!