The Ladies Get a Turn! (And Macy Busts Her Cherry)

LIVE! FROM HOLLYWOOD! IT’S DANCING WITH THE STARS!

I was wondering what song the girls were going to dance to ... “She’s a Lady” by Tom Jones. I really like this band, but their singing leaves a bit to be desired - and the guy singing this blew it. But the girls looked great!!!!

Over to Tom and - Samantha? WTF did Samantha do to her hair? She looks like a bad rendition of a pinup girl. I’m wondering if she’s wigged up or if she really cut all her hair off!! (If it’s a wig, it’s a darn good job). That emerald green dress doesn’t do her any good at all either with that shiny thingy draped across the chest....

Debi Mazar is up first, dancing with Maksim Chmerkovsky. Maks interviews that dancing is not a democracy, “just listen to what I say.” Their first dance is the Salsa. Debi talks a lot and is driving Maks crazy. We’ll see how this goes throughout the season! I’m not impressed with Debi - although I’m not watching her much with Maks out there! Her shoulders are droopy but she is moving. Len said that Debi’s hips were lacking because her feet were flat. They had good energy and she has potential, but there’s work to do. Bruno is on a roll already: “Debi, on the good side, you can work those bazooms like nobody else!” (Maks covers Debi's ears). He goes on to tell Debi that she needs to keep her weight on the balls of her feet and he hopes she stays because “you’ve got a lot to show.” Bruno, you perv! Carrie Ann thinks the girls have it tougher. She tells Debi that she lacks a connection from her character to her moves, that she was thinking too much. Their scores: 6-5-5=16.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas are up next. Although Melissa still has the baby face I’m surprised how much older she looks (I haven’t seen her for awhile!) They will be dancing the Viennese Waltz. She’s having trouble with her posture and claims it’s because she has huge deltoid muscles. She looks really good and elegant - although we can see some clumsiness out there too. I’d say pretty good overall for the first time! Bruno asks if Melissa is nervous. “It was prim, proper and adequate but lacked a bit of magic.” Her shoulders rose up and spoiled the line of the dance. Carrie Ann said Melissa created a few moments but her connection to the beat of the music was lacking. Carrie Ann says that she has a definite elegance though. Len called the start of the dance “all sweet and sickly,” saying he couldn’t stand it. (I don’t picture Len any kind of romantic anyway). He did think her hold was good and her movement was great, but her footwork was off in her turns. Their scores: 6-6-6=18, not all that bad.

Mya, the R&B star, will dance with Dmitri Chaplin. She may have a little edge because she can dance a bit so she’ll be more flexible to start. She is humbled by how hard it is - “I feel like a car accident waiting to happen.” She looks really good and I love Dmitri’s choreography. She does have the fluidity for the Viennese Waltz. Carrie Ann yells “way to set the bar tonight!” She loves Mya’s lines and turns, musicality and performance. Len says he’s in a bit of a predicament because it’s the American smooth version of the dance and “you can release holds - but the three bars in hold you did, I didn’t like. The further you go from the roots of the dance the lower you go - it was a theatrical hodgepodge.” Bruno is having fits and yelling that it was “artistry in motion! The girl did magnificent!” Len points his pencil saying that Mya is a fantastic dancer but Dmitri let her down by not doing a Viennese Waltz. Hoo boy, these scores will be interesting! Tom asks Len if he’s been to three bars tonight. Mya was very diplomatic backstage saying that she appreciates the professionals’ opinions. The scores: 8-5-8=21 and Len gets smacked from both Carrie Ann and Bruno.

Kathy Ireland and Tony Dovolani will be up next. Kathy says that since she’s a model, people think she’s coordinated - but that she was in a an aerobics class and was asked to leave and not come back! Tony laughs at Kathy’s attempt at a shimmy. Not looking good here! At least her hips are moving a bit and her shoulders are good. Her bottom half looks good but the top half looks disjointed. Len goes first, saying she has the potential but that was “far too careful” and lacked energy. Bruno said she can sell almost anything but she didn’t sell the Salsa - there was no sex, which is inherent in Salsa. Carrie Ann said Kathy has great posture and that will work well for her, but she has to work on loosening up. Bruno pipes up that “we like a loose woman.” Carrie Ann seemed to want to make a snide comment about Bruno’s sexuality and that comment but it didn’t come off well. The scores: 6-5-5=16. Tony said it’s fine for the first week, nowhere to go but up!

Natalie Conklin, Olympic swimmer, will dance with Alec Mazo, the Season 1 champ. At practice, she’s concentrating so hard on dancing her face looks like she could kill someone, and Alec has to keep reminding her to relax her face. She says in the pool sometimes she bites her lips and they bleed. Alec shows her a smile and tells Natalie that is her new “concentration face.” They dance the Salsa and Natalie looks pretty loose (Bruno should like this). Toward the end, her face gets tight but she catches it and smiles again. She’s got hips, that will help! Bruno says that Natalie is the million dollar mermaid and could one day “make it here.” He noticed that she “freezes in the middle” and has a hard time catching up. Carrie Ann says athletes do well because they know how to use their muscles and she did very well. She adds that Natalie needs to improve her musicality. Len says he’s bewildered again (“I think it’s time for me bath.”) “The Salsa is sexy and steamy and we have all these beautiful women - and if they can’t come out and knock my socks off -“ Carrie Ann pipes up “you’re getting old!” Poor Len is just getting hammered tonight! Their scores: 7-6-6=19.

Macy Gray is up next with Jonathan Roberts. She talks funny! Her voice sounds like a little kid’s and my daughter offers that she's like someone taking too much Prozac. Jonathan tells Macy they will be dancing the Viennese Waltz and Macy says “the what?” Macy is told to walk like a lady and Jonathan then mouths “help me.” She is gonna be one tough student to do anything with!!!!! They have a week in studio before Macy has to leave on her European tour. Poor Jonathan, he gets stuck with some real “winners” for partners! I’m not sure Macy could look ladylike if she got a sex change! (She’s not built very ladylike! She’s bigger than Jonathan!) Carrie Ann called their dance fascinating - “your technique, I can’t even go there. But there’s a natural genuineness to you.” Len agrees that there is a vulnerability and charm and “if I was at home, I’d be voting for you.” (Yes, Len has been to bars tonight). Bruno says Macy is endearing and it was like “watching a child take its first new steps into the world. Who am I? What am I doing here?” Wow, they were pretty diplomatic with Macy!!! Backstage, Macy was glad to get the first dance out of the way, and said “I busted my cherry.” Everyone was cracking up and Carrie Ann could barely squeak out her score. 6-4-5=15.

Joanna Krupa is dancing with Derek Hough. Oh, jeeze - Derek says (get ready for it) “I’m rough. I’m tough. I’m Derek Hough.” Joanna is happy to see Derek, saying that Derek will help her to determine how many massages to get per week - and Derek says “I give all the massages myself.” Sometimes we forget that he’s a young guy! They will dance the Salsa and Joanna is working really hard, much to Derek’s delight. Ooh! Joanna is wearing the fringy pants! She can move her hips, but her moves are a little choppy. Derek seems to have choreographed the sex into this one though. It’s pretty energetic and she looks like she’s having fun. Len gets to start and he’s very happy. “At last we’ve seen a hot, smoking Salsa.” Bruno says it was sexy and saucy and what a Salsa should be. He compliments Derek’s choreography as making the most of his partner. Carrie Ann calls it hot and Derek carries Joanna backstage. Joanna says her (bright yellow) outfit gave Len some sunshine, and Derek offers that Len had a bath at the last commercial break. Great scores: 8-8-8=24.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel round out the individual round with a Viennese Waltz. Kelly wanted to do the show because no one thinks she can be a lady. Louis shows up to meet Kelly and Ozzie answers the door, mumbles at Louis and yells for Sharon. Kelly says that the best way to describe herself as a dancer is “crap.” Louis says he will turn the tomboy into a princess. She starts out really well, at least with posture and head position. He feet seem to get mixed up here and there but c’mon, it’s the first night! They’re not holding a whole lot and Len will have a fit and – uh oh, Louis lifts her so here comes Carrie Ann and the lift police! Sharon Osbourne is crying and Kelly runs over to kiss her parents. Bruno cannot believe his eyes - “the rock princess transformed into a vision of grace in a Waltz of impeccable style.” Carrie Ann says it was beautiful, that the technique Louis taught her was great - but she saw the lift! Len will be very brief: “It was the best Viennese Waltz of the night.” (So much for my thoughts about Len’s opinion!) Kelly gets backstage and sniffles too, saying it was the most fun she’s had in her life. Their scores: 7-8-8=23.

The Relay Dances are coming next. Natalie, Kathy, Joanna and Debi will be doing the Foxtrot first. Natalie and Dmitri are first up and while Natalie is looking sultry, that can end up looking evil (she’ll be good in the Tango or Paso Doble!) Kathy and Tony are next and Kathy looks very elegant. Joanna & Derek come up next and look pretty good. Debi & Maks finish up this Relay and Maks lifts her at the end (will Carrie Ann have fits again?) Carrie Ann begins by snarking about the lift, but telling Maks it was a good place to put it because she can’t take off any points for it. She calls Joanna sexy and elegant, Kathy’s footwork was a little small for her height, Natalie was excellent, and Debi was “muscling” it. Len tells Natalie she had great extension, Kathy has to try and move a little more, Joanna with a good mix in hold and not, and complimented Maks on his bravery of using holds. Bruno tells Natalie she has great fluidity, Kathy is very elegant, Joanna is still smoky, and Debi is a great performer but “control your energy.” The judges rank the couples: Kathy & Tony in 4th, Debi & Maks in 3rd, Natalie & Alec get 2nd, and Joanna & Derek get first place and 10 points.

The Cha Cha Relay is next, with Kelly, Macy, Mya, and Melissa. Mya looks like she’s a natural for this one. Melissa looks like her hips are gonna leave her. Macy & Jonathan are first, and Macy’s shoulders just kill it. (Not only their position but their size. Cover those babies up!!) Melissa and Mark come next and Melissa’s doing much better. Mya and Dmitry look pretty hot, she’s got the hip action! Kelly is moving pretty darn good - something I certainly didn’t expect! (Whoops, a little miss there at the end!) Len begins by telling Macy that her busy schedule has caught up with her, and Melissa had a much higher level of performance. He compliments Dmitry for his content and Mya’s great hips, and tells Kelly that she’s produced two first-class dances. Bruno tells Macy she had better timing with the Cha Cha and Melissa - “it’s good having fun, isn’t it?” He loved Mya’s footwork and then tells Kelly he still can’t believe what he’s seeing. Carrie Ann tells Macy she needs to work harder on capturing the essence. She says Melissa came out of her shell, and Mya was fantastic, and tells Kelly she had fantastic footwork. The couples’ ranks: 4th are Macy & Jonathan, Melissa & Mark get second, Kelly & Louis get 2nd and Mya & Dmitry get first.

So, after all the scoring, here are the women’s standings:

Joanna & Derek 24 + 10 = 34
Kelly & Louis - 23 + 8 = 31
Mya & Dmitry 21 + 10 = 31
Natalie & Alec 19 + 8 = 27
Melissa & Mark 18 + 6 = 24
Debi & Maks - 16 + 6 = 22
Kathy & Tony 16 + 4 = 20
Macy & Jonathan 15 + 4 = 19

So has everyone voted? Who do you see as the early favorites? Who’s going home? We’ll see on Wednesday night!