Season 10 Begins! Cha Cha, Viennese Waltz, an Astronaut and Ta-Tas

Season 10 begins! The glitter! The rhinestones! The tight pants and fringe!! LIVE! From Hollywood! This is Dancing With the Stars!

From what I saw, Melissa Rycroft was supposed to do the first show and Brooke Burke was going to take over after that - well, I guess Brooke managed to switch her schedule because there she was! I wonder if the crazy hairdo lady will get to her this year.....

No more going backstage for after-dance interviews. There’s a room now they’re calling the “Celeb-aquarium.” It’s a glass-walled room at the back of the audience where Brooke will be interviewing and the stars to come stand around. Frankly, it’s a good idea but I liked the couches backstage. Lots more informal and fun.

So let’s get going! First up are football player Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke. They’ll dance a Cha Cha. Chad says he has no previous dance experience except in the end zone, and he usually gets fined for that. During practice, Cheryl tells him “good job” and he asks if it was really good, and she says no, she’s trying to give him positive reinforcement. Chad tells her not to tell him he’s doing well unless he is, so Cheryl tells him “okay, you suck. Do it again!” Their dance isn’t bad, considering it’s the first week. Len told him that he’s a “rough diamond” and Chad “came out like a tiger.” Bruno said that Chad is a “huge talent yet untapped.” Carrie Ann thinks Chad has something going on, “something raw and primal.” Their scores: 6-6-6=18. The audience boos and Tom gives them a 7 for their booing.

Actress Shannen Doherty and Mark Ballas are up next with a Viennese Waltz. Shannen is dancing because of her father - he had a stroke and he loves the show, so she decided to go for it. She’s petrified of dancing before a live audience and gets hives when she gets nervous. She’s not all that graceful and screws up right at the beginning, but they do a spin at the end that’s pretty neat. Bruno isn’t going to pull punches tonight - he told Shannen that it was difficult choreography for week one and she was swinging her arms like a primate. Carrie Ann is impressed, saying it was an ambitious routine that was bad at first and got better. Len said the key to the Viennese Waltz is ease and elegance, and she did a good job of it, with a nice fleckle. (After much poking around on the internet, I cannot find a definition of a fleckle. This will be my life’s work this season, to define it properly for you!) Shannen is crying in the Celebaquarium, saying she saw her father and she’s happy she got through it. Their scores were 6-6-6=18.

Sports reporter Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy will dance a Cha Cha. They have friendly banter at their first practice, and Maks says “they always ask for me and then they regret it” because he’s such a tough teacher. Erin protests that “I didn’t ask for you, I asked for Tony!” Erin is having problems because she wants perfection and stops herself as she feels herself making a mistake. Maks is upset, telling her that “my only pleasure in life is bitching at people and you’re taking that away!” Their dance looks fun - her hips are moving pretty good. Carrie Ann tells them their chemistry is good and Erin has good moves. Len said it was a challenging routine and Erin looked like a “funky monkey.” Bruno liked that Erin was bringing zest and vitality to the dance. Better scores: 7-7-7=21.

Bachelor Jake Pevelka & Chelsie Hightower will perform a Viennese Waltz. I’m really hoping this rose thing ends tonight, because there were freaking roses everywhere! He meets her, she gets a rose. Chelsie had to ask, too - “We’re not getting married at the end of this, right?” He trips right off the bat during the dance but his posture and hands look good. Of course, he gives her a rose at the beginning of the dance and they dance to “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal. Enough already! Len said he moved very well and did a lot of the dance in hold, but he’s got to stop sticking his bum out. Bruno decided he was too rough and was “bouncing” Chelsie about the dance floor. Carrie Ann was impressed, saying he worked romance into the dance but needed to work on his posture. They scored 7-6-7=20.

Comedienne Niecy Nash & Louis Van Amstel will dance a Cha Cha next. Niecy tells Louis that “I like my jiggly parts, a little junk in the trunk.” She doesn’t want to lose weight during the show, she likes herself just fine. The Cha Cha is fun and pretty good! At the end, they end up back to back, and slowly Niecy falls back as Louis falls forward, and they end up on the floor - nice move. Bruno tells Niecy that there were two personalities out there - a sexy Lola and a virgin. Carrie Ann thought there was fantastic energy and a sexy dance. Len told them it was a clean, clear and precise routine, but an uneventful and flat Cha Cha. Niecy tells Brooke she is dedicating her dancing to “thick” girls everywhere. Their scores: 7-5-6=18.

Tom explains to us that for the past three months Len hasn’t been up this late, so that’s why he’s cranky.

Gold-medal winning skater Evan Lysacek & Anna Trebunskaya are going to dance a Viennese Waltz. He’s been told that his skating won’t help because he’s too technical a skater and won’t be able to dance. He’s thinking the skating should help, but I don’t think it helps much. He has good hands, but his posture isn’t as good as I expected. Carrie Ann thinks Evan is good but he needs to work on pointing his toes. Len said he has good artistry and musicality, but the tails on his tuxedo covered his problems with his bottom. Bruno was poetic - “you have the wingspan of a 747 and the grace of a swan.” He did tell Evan to get a connection with Anna. Their scores are pretty good: 8-7-8=23.

After the commercial, Tom introduces the two astronauts on the international space station saying hi to Buzz Aldrin & Ashley Costa. Buzz is 80 years old but he’s still a risk taker - he was a pilot running bombing missions over Japan, walked on the moon, and now he’s dancing. (His wife interviewed about his bravery but the biggest part, I think, is looking at that woman every day and not screaming. Bad, bad plastic surgery, lady!) Buzz’s first thought when he saw Ashley was “this is a really cute babe.” (Great, old and a horn dog!) They dance a Cha Cha and - sorry, national hero or not, he’s just bad. He has NO rhythm. He’s ... just ... bad. Len says that he remembers sitting in England and watching Buzz walk on the moon, and thinking how brave he was - but Len can’t give marks for bravery. Bruno asked “how can I criticize a legend?” then proceeded to tell Buzz he danced like he had his moon boots on. Carrie Ann told him “you inspired a lot of people tonight.” They deserved the scores: 5-4-5=14.

PussyCat Doll Nicole Scherzinger & Derek Hough will dance a Viennese Waltz. She’s got dance experience, but not anything close to ballroom dancing. She likens the Waltz to “looking graceful and not like I’m in pain.” I liked the choreography (Derek is quite good) but there didn’t seem to be much of a connection. Bruno is astounded, saying that Nicole had startling finesse. Carrie Ann called it emotional, saying “the bar has just been set.” Len said it was very appealing, but once you look past the facade of the choreography, you just see bad footwork ... and continues to rip pretty much everything. I don’t think their scores deserved to be that high: 9-7-9=25.

All My Children Actor Aiden Turner & Edyta Sliwinska are going to dance a Cha Cha. Aiden is a smart guy, saying you always bring flowers when meeting a woman. Edyta is happy and has her hands full of flowers, but Aiden tells her she’ll have her hands full “with me.” Edyta tells Aiden “I feel like your Mum teaching you how to walk” to which Aiden replies, “I don’t think of you as my Mum, thank God.” Wow, Edyta’s dress is layers of fringe that look like she’s naked between the rows. (My hunny likes this outfit! Our mostly-naked Edyta is back!) She definitely has her hands full, Aiden is hot but has no rhythm. He dances as if he’s counting his steps and you can see where she reminds him to smile. Carrie Ann liked the gusto of the dance, but called it disjointed with no musicality. Len knows “there’s a dancer in there” but they did everything he didn’t like. “You’d better shake your wobbly bits.” Bruno said there was nothing going on in the groin, and it wasn’t hot. “It’s like Kenny Mayne all over again.” (Yeah, it was bad, but not THAT bad!) Their scores are better than I thought they’d be: 5-5-5=15.

Mother of Eight Kate Gosselin & Tony Dovolani are dancing a Viennese Waltz. She said her kids asked her why she was doing the show because “mommy, you can’t dance.” Kate is having problems getting the steps down and Tony asks her if she really wants to be there. Kate assures Tony she does, it’s just her insecurities showing through. (I guess after being such a bitchy bulldozer on Jon & Kate Plus Eight she needs to appear softer and needier or something.) Tony always has great choreography but Kate’s pretty clunky. Len says that “the first dance is like a first date” and that Kate looked nervous, not fluid. Bruno started out nicely, saying that “this is a new world for you” but then tells Kate her technique was terrible and it looked like Tony was pushing a shopping cart. Kate has to learn to assume a persona. Carrie Ann tells Kate that she’s not a performer or an athlete, so this is tough for her, but she has a sweet vulnerability. Okay scores: 6-5-5=16.

Last up this evening are Actress/Hussy Pamela Anderson & Damien Whitewood, the new guy this year. Pamela isn’t sure why she is doing the show, except that her “Auntie Vi” has been dancing since she was three and Pam is dancing for her Auntie Vi. But, Pam says, “I have no rhythm and I’m tone deaf.” Tell you what, though, their Cha Cha looked pretty good! I thought it was one of the better dances of the night. Bruno said he could only think of “sex and more sex.” Carrie Ann was anxious to see Pam dance, and Pam did not disappoint her. Pamela was fully involved in the dance - “maybe a bit too much.” Len said the start of the dance was great but overall it was a mess. Bruno interjects here “but the sex was good.” As they show their paddles, Carrie Ann flips her hair (allegedly) sexily, and Bruno gyrates with his paddle in front of his crotch: 7-6-8=21.

So here’s the leader board after tonight’s dancing:


25 - Nicole & Derek
23 - Evan & Anna
21 - Pamela & Damian
21 - Erin & Maks
20 - Jake & Chelsie
18 - Chad & Cheryl
18 - Shannen & Mark
18 - Niecy & Louis
16 - Kate & Tony
15 - Aiden & Edyta
14 - Buzz & Ashley

Next Monday, the couples will each dance a Latin dance, and then we get to vote and find out the results on Tuesday night. We’ll see what happens next week!