Dancing With the Stars: Can it be any more painful?

Cue the music! Watch the stairs! LIVE! From Hollywood - it’s Dancing With the Stars!

Up first are Denise Richards & Maks with their Samba. Denise is being too serious about learning the dance and Maks says "you’re not having enough fun, not getting into the dance." He tries to lighten her up by dressing in a pink Samba outfit, complete with bra and ruffles and feathery headpiece. It definitely loosened her up, she was cracking up! Maks shook his shoulders and his bra fell down! Their dance seemed a bit stiff, though. Something fell off during the dance (maybe a hairpiece). Tom tells Maks after the dance "you are one ugly woman." Len begins the comments by saying the Samba is the hardest Latin dance to learn. She needs more hips, but she did a good job. Bruno wasn’t so kind: Denise was so flat "you were more of a waffle than a Samba." He said there was no party atmosphere and she is going backwards in her dancing. Carrie Ann added that she’s going with Bruno. She can tell that Denise is frightened to death. Their scores suck: 5-6-5=16

Next are Chuck Wick & Julianne to dance the Foxtrot. Chuck wants more to do this week, not let Julianne do all the work. Just because he dates a ballroom dancer doesn’t mean he knows how to dance - he grew up on a potato farm and played sports. But! They looked pretty good! Bruno tells Chuck that he’s happy to see Chuck "in the driving seat." Dancing is give and take, and you are starting to balance each other out. Carrie Ann was excited, saying "you could possibly be a contender!" She like the way they were in sync with each other. Len said it’s hard to teach dancing to someone - he tried to teach his wife to drive. They are good, but not great yet. Their scores: 8-7-8=25

Holly Madison & Dmitri are going to dance the Samba. Holly is getting frustrated, saying it’s tough to learn the proper dance steps and she thinks Dmitri is not used to teaching someone who has no dance experience. Dmitri tells her to "just forget it" because he thinks she’s not trying. Holly says he’s wishing he had Jewel back. There was a lift! What will Carrie Ann say? She was stiff, but she shook it when she had to. Carrie Ann said "it was rough to watch, Holly was totally disjointed." She notice the lift (of course - it was a bit blatant). She said it looked like Dmitri was dragging her around. Len told Holly to work on her feet. He said the dance was like a match - "hot at the top but wooden at the bottom." (Tom says that’s the first metaphor he understands from Len!) Bruno told her the top shelf was "the land of plenty" but the footwork wasn’t there. Their scores: 5-6-6=17

Bad back and all, here come Steve-O & Lacey to dance a Foxtrot. He’s been told to "ease back into it." The doctors said to rest but he doesn’t want to, he wants to prove to the judges and the fans that he deserves to stick around. He didn’t look like he proved anything except that he was a bad dancer - he forgot some moves and fell a bit on the steps at the end. Len told Steve-O that the "O" stands for Ovation which he deserves, because he tried to come out and do a proper Foxtrot. Bruno said "you came out as a model of propriety but fell to pieces." (Is it me or is Bruno really being the nasty one this year? I seem to remember Len was always the one to be obnoxious - but now Len has tempered his criticism a bit and Bruno is being downright mean sometimes. Maybe his boyfriend left him or something.....) Carrie Ann says Steve-O looks as if he’s in genuine pain and gives him credit, saying "Not many stars would watch their video to see what they did wrong." Backstage, Samantha asks what went on - "I just went blank. I tried so hard I guess I tried too hard." Lacey said he was great, considering he hurt his back again and tweaked his ankle besides. Dismal scores: 5-5-5=15.

Football great Lawrence Taylor & Edyta (the mostly naked) are dancing a Samba. Lawrence is talking about a shorter rehearsal time, saying he even gave up his golf this week "and I don’t give up golf for nothin’!" It paid off because their dance looked pretty darn good to me! Bruno told him "for a guy of your size you’re pretty light on your feet and you have rhythm!" He added that Lawrence had to have more confidence though, and have fun. Carrie Ann went along the same lines, saying "I see a newfound confidence in you." Len told Lawrence that "it’s nice to see you don’t let Edyta do all the work" but that he wanted to see more with his hips and less with his shoulders. Talking to Samantha backstage, he says his wife asked him to "take up ballroom dancing, but I told her I don’t dance with amateurs." (He’s sleeping on the couch tonight!) I thought their scores could have been better: 7-6-7=20.

Shawn Johnson & Mark are coming up with their Foxtrot. With Shawn’s gymnastics background she has to be hard & precise, and now she needs to learn to be smooth & elegant. She looked so much older and pulled off the elegance rather well! Carrie Ann was very complimentary, saying "you looked more than just a lady," and calling her smooth and really in sync with Mark. Len called her arms "lovely" and said it was her best dance yet. Bruno and his wonderful accent said she’s "gliding around with weightless quality like a beautiful bejeweled hummingbird." (It sounded like he said "hambird." Tom asked him what he said, and Bruno seemed to get all huffy when he had to repeat himself - and it STILL sounded like "hambird.") Their scores kicked butt: 9-9-9=27

Next are Gilles Marini & Cheryl to dance the Samba. He says he’s not as popular as the other stars so he has to work harder. His Mom came from France to watch him dance and told him (in French) that he and Cheryl looked beautiful together, while Cheryl just stood there with a weird look on her face ("are they talking about me? What did she say?") Gilles looked pretty hot in that tight red suit! Their dance was fun and I thought they did a great job. At the end, Gilles buries his face between Cheryl’s tatas (I mean as part of the dance - I’m sure if it wasn’t planned Cheryl might get a little miffed). I did notice he needs to smile a bit more though. Len said Gilles is looking like a really good dancer. Though he lacked a little bit of rhythm, he made a hard dance look easy. Bruno in his inimitable way told Gilles "you looked like a throbbing red hot poker." (I DON’T want to know). Carrie Ann called it an excellent job and noticed that "Cheryl was really workin’ it for you! You shook things I didn’t know a guy could shake." Very good scores: 9-9-9=27


David Alan Grier & Kym are dancing a Foxtrot. Kym wants to showcase David and tells him he will begin the dance by himself. David professes that "We busting out!" this week. However, his butt is still sticking out a bit in the hold. Nice, although a little choppy. Bruno told him that he had "taken the Foxtrot to Broadway." He said it was like watching Ben Vereen - "what a transformation!" Carrie Ann said it was nice, that he looked like a Rockette. She called his technique great and fluid. Len said one dance doesn’t win or lose this competition. "Last week was not my cup of tea, but this week, well done." Len said it was the best dance he’s done yet. Their scores were 8-8-8=24. Backstage, David gave Kym credit for making him better, and sang "these are the greatest judges in the world" in a Broadway kinda way.

Steve Wozniak & Karina are next, dancing the Samba. Karina told Steve the Dance-Off last week was fun, "but let’s not do it again." During practice, Steve pulled a hamstring in practice, and ended up being carted off in an ambulance. He says he’s flattered that the show is worried about his health, telling him he doesn’t have to continue, but Steve wants to. Sorry, kids, but this guy is pretty bad and probably still would be without his strained foot and pulled hamstring. He attempts a little Worm move (that’s gonna tick Len off - especially since it was a BAD worm move). They tried some kind of flip at the end of their dance and it looked messed up - Karina said it was her fault. Bruno looks disgusted in the background as Tom talks to the couple (oohh, this oughta be good!) Carrie Ann tells him "you are so cute. But at some point the novelty wears off." Len feels bad for Steve, saying "the dances are killing you." Len added that he hoped the viewers enjoy watching Steve - at least he’s consistent - bad from start to finish. Bruno doesn’t mince words - "the worst Samba I’ve ever seen. Just bad." Backstage, Samantha interviews Steve and he says "Mix dancing with Smirnoff you might end up in an ambulance." (Karina’s last name is Smirnoff, and there’s a vodka named Smirnoff - he made a funny!) Their scores are the lowest I’ve ever seen (I didn’t watch Season One, but I have never, ever seen anything lower than a 5 before): 4-3-3=10. Steve is still gracious: "I get to dance with Karina Smirnoff! The judges aren’t right, I believe we deserved less."

Melissa Rycroft & Tony are going to dance the Foxtrot. Tony accompanied Melissa back to Dallas to say goodbye to her co-workers and clean out her desk. They all gave Melissa and Tony "10s" as they walked out. I noticed Melissa has funny expressions on her face while practicing. Tony tilted her head, telling her it should look like "an olive on a martini glass." I though they had great rhythm! Tony sure is happy after the dance. Len said Melissa has great musicality and expression in her dance. He tells her to work on her feet, but "overall - fantastic." Bruno told her she is "beautiful to look at and easy to love." He likes the way she moves with the music. "It’s like music plays from your body." Carrie Ann says she’s an excellent dancer. "I love watching you move." Something, though, is lacking, so Melissa needs to challenge herself more. Carrie Ann says "This comes easy for you" and I think both Melissa and Tony are going to pass out or smack Carrie Ann with the looks on their faces. Their scores are great: 9-9-9=27. Backstage, we find out that Lawrence promised to take her golfing if she got at least three 8's. Melissa laughs and says Lawrence is in for it, she’s a better dancer than a golfer.

Up next to Samba are Lil’ Kim & Derrick. I’m thinking this should be right up her alley, shaking her ginormous booty. Kim tells Derrick "I’m gonna let loose and trust you." Derrick notes that " I can push Kim all day long and she keeps working hard." Loved the fringy skirt - it looked great on her and the dance worked well with that booty! She definitely shook it - maybe what the judges were hoping for with Kim Kardashian last season. A big butt means nothing if you can’t do something with it, and Lil’ Kim has hers figured out! Bruno called her a "pocket-sized Venus with supersized sex appeal." He said it wasn’t perfect but "you sold it to me." (I agree - after her reputation of being in jail and all, I fully expected not to like her. However, she’s hard-working, very positive, and can actually dance, and I’ve decided she’s fun to watch.) Carrie Ann says "that was hot! You draw us in to the dance." She noticed a little mistake but forgave her because Lil’ Kim was going for proper technique. Len chastised Derrick a bit saying that they went "further away from the roots of the dance" but slipped in elements of the dance. (Yeah, he’s the expert, but it looked pretty good to me!) Backstage, Derrick complimented Kim, saying "this girl is awesome!" Their scores were pretty good: 8-8-9=25

Ty Murray & Chelsea will be dancing a Foxtrot next. Chelsea explains that Ty has to make the Foxtrot look easy. Ty deadpans that "You have to do the steps and play a character but I’m no Robert DeNiro." I agree, Ty, but you sure are a lot better than I expected you to be! Considering he’s a bowlegged cowboy, Chelsea is shaping up as a good teacher. She slipped and fell during the beginning of their dance, and Ty didn’t miss a step, or even look like anything happened. I was impressed - Ty looks pretty good, suave and debonaire! Carrie Ann told him he was the most improved. She called him smooth and said "The way you handled it when Chelsea fell was great." Len started off by saying he lacked musicality and was a bit stiff (here Carrie Ann interrupted, arguing that he was wrong. Len shuts her up saying "if I wanna get that in my ear I’ll go home and talk to my wife." He’s gonna join Lawrence on the couch, I think.) Then Len goes off in a good direction, saying that he was holding up the dancer as he should, and it was a great routine. Bruno praised Chelsea, saying she was "carving out of stiff wood a Fred Astaire. If you keep it up we’re gonna see great things." Backstage, Samantha interviewed them about their performance and Ty cracked "When Chelsea fell, I thought I was the one who was supposed to fall. We didn’t practice that one!" Good scores - I thought they should have been better: 8-8-7=23.

So did everyone vote? Should Steve-O give up before he kills himself? Should the other Steve leave even if he feels good, because he's just bad? Who looks most improved to you? We’ll see who goes home tonight! I'll be back tomorrow with a recap of the results show!