Dancing With The Stars – S7 Episode 1

This is going to be a weird night isn’t it? I’m reeling from So You Think You Can Dance withdrawal and all I have now is Dancing With The Stars. Two very different shows. Celebrities can’t do as many flips and lifts for their safety. I mean you could break ribs on the other show. Tonight we’ll be seeing 13 dances and tomorrow we’ll be seeing another 13 dances. So its like SYTYCD’s abusing of their dancers. I wonder when the first celebrity will have dehydration.

Anywho, the credits and music still look the same. Sill alphabetical, still similar poses. We’re live. With Tom and that other damned woman. Hello new stars. How do we have these orders made up? Is this like Idol, where the good person gets coveted final “pimp” spot? I doubt Warren Sapp (who is 13) is the best.

I’m sure Tom is still reeling from losing the Best Reality Show Host. Samantha is still annoying. They say things that are important, but it really all sounds the same from last season. Cody & Julienne are first. Cody demonstrates his beat boxing skills. Julienne and Cody meet and Cody plays cool and calm. His dance tonight is the Cha-Cha. Cody mostly spends his time like a teenager, gawking at Julienne.

Oh how I missed silly cha-cha versions of music. Somewhere, Nelly is crying. Julienne is probably happy that they can get away with younger dancing. It overall seemed fine, I’ll wait for the judges.

Len points out high energy. Cody has to hold the energy. Bruno says some weird fortune cookie phrase about being young. He wants Cody to be more clean on footwork. Carrie Ann sees potential.

Ah, I thought there was a double elimination. It’s one gone tomorrow, one gone Wednesday. Cody & Julienne get three 6’s. It’s nice to see scores not horribly inflated early in the game.

Tom tells us that Karina got a twisted ankle and that Jeffery Ross got his eye poked out, though in the little video, I didn’t see anything so I’m calling it comedian’s shtick. But getting back to my point, the Celebrities wouldn’t twist ankles. I betcha they have a contract.

Karina still is going to dance tonight. I’m hoping for an injury. Karina is fierce. Rocco cooks with fire. He feeds her. I want him to feed me. Rocco is struggling from looking down. They dance the foxtrot. Rocco is a little too smiley, but I guess that’s his character. Clearly Karina is doing all the work, with her ferret dress. They clearly replaced the jump with a few under moves.

Bruno points out the bad timing, the bad feet. Carrie Ann thinks it’s “cute” and he has tv personality. Len needs finesse from him. Well, if Rocco loses, then at least Karina won’t have to suffer ankle problems the rest of the season. Rocco is all smiles about having fun. The judges give a 5, 4, and a 5. Ouch, I just realized that’s less than a 50%.

Toni Braxton is next. I used to love her in the 90s. Like TRL and Toonami.(Both are either canceled or will be soon) She’s paired up with Alec, former winner. I remind you that Toni suffers from Angina. She wants to throw herself out. She has heart, but it suffers from angina. They have the cha-cha. To Santana’s smooth. That’s a good translation. Toni is quite good for week one. I didn’t put her as a dead ringer in my stats sheet because she doesn’t dance much during performances. Carrie Ann calls it a week 5 performance. Len likes the choreography, but she needs to work on the legs. Bruno like’s his slinky divas which is Toni. She is also timed well. I guess she’s going to be my dark horse, until week 4 when she pulls in front of Lance Bass. Their scores are a two sevens and an 8. Great for a week 1. She breathes heavy, probably due to nerves and not the heart disease.

Our first Olympian. Maurice Greene. He’s lucky he’s paired with Cheryl. He’s put on one of those form braces in practices as well. Rocco needed one of those. He has the foxtrot. He seems kind of stiff at parts but I’m sure he was just trying to keep his form. Cheryl is trying her best to cover it up by being amazing. And not a drunk, like I see her during downtimes on TMZ. Len thinks it had a little bit of everything. He uses a sprint/marathon analogy. Bruno points out how when he was in a hold he was stiff. Carrie Ann wants him to be more ballroom.

As an aside, hello band. I welcome your music butchering again. It eases my pain when Idol returns and they butcher as well.

Maurice’s scores are three 6’s. Another 18.

Brooke Burke is a model and TV host. I remember her from Rock Star: INXS. Vaguely. She meets Derrick. He meets her kids. She has a plus of nice limbs, but has no memory. I guess it’s from years of using a prompter. Her dancing looks like she’s thinking too much. But it’s mostly there. Carrie Ann points out dancer’s body. Go supermom! Bruno is at a loss for words. Len said that it’s the “best dance so far”. I hate when they say that. What happens if the person next is better? The scores are 7 and two 8’s. Samantha reminds me that we have possibility that there could be a Shannon Elisabeth-esque meltdown if Brooke can’t remember things. Lets hope so.

Ted points out how he was Jefferson on Married With Children. Love the show. Inna is a firecracker. Ted is basically the everyman in this competition. Oh no! They are butchering the Beach Boys. Poor Inna, she’s doing all the work. Ted is stiff and not graceful, but I’m sure the judges will say otherwise. Bruno points out that his technique needs help. Len points out the suave-ness. He liked the footwork. Carrie points out the nerves. The scores are three 6’s.

Lance is not a good dancer. Lacey is too punk-rock for this show. It clearly has turned into the gay guy and the fag hag. Lance still reminds us that gay men have inert rhythm. Ah, stereotypes. Lacey is showing her west coast swing in her choreography. Very flashy. I wonder if we’ll ever see Benji. Len points out how young and modern it is, but Len is old. Carrie Ann thought it was hot. She said it was sharp. Bruno used the word “edgy” oh no, soon it will become “fierce”. Backstage they talk smack about Joey Fat-one. Poor Lacey, she made a gay joke and is too tanned. The scores are an 8, 6, and 8. Poor Len is too old.

Oh Cloris Leechman. She has a mouth on her. She’s paired with Corky, Mark’s father. I love the behind the scenes of Cloris. She’s just funny. I think I’ll keep her around just because she’s graceful. And I want to see her do a Paso Doble. Her whole dance was like a Boniva commercial. “I take one Boniva a day and I can dance the night away”. The audience gives her a standing ovation. Carrie Ann is laughing hysterically. Bruno is amazing. Cloris flirts with him. Len tries to give his judgment as Cloris flirts with him. Keep her just for the funny. Carrie Ann says she’s a golden oldie. Cloris is a show stopper, literally. The scores are a 6, 5, and 5. Cloris curses up a storm. She thinks the whole thing is stupid. Ah, I love her. I think I better vote.

Jeffery poked out his eye. He’s paired up with Edyta. He finds her hot, of course. He’s dancing for the “regular” guys. Oh storyline, overlap. I like the outfits. It’s so Jewish disco. He dances better than Penn last year. That’s not saying much. Carrie Ann has nothing to say, she feels bad for the eye poke. Did Bruno call it “Cloverfield 3D”. Bruno also said “Tits”. Hah, and it didn’t get beeped. Len said something, but I didn’t notice it past the jokes. He also makes a joke at Kim Kardashian. The scores are three 4’s. He feels good about it.

Kim is like so excited. Kim likes her chances with Mark. Then they show a clip show of her bad balance. She needs to squeeze her calves, thighs, and booty. But they don’t say booty. She kind of reminds me of Nicole Scherzinger. And she gets the pink panther theme. It’s quite graceful. Her family applauds her. Len said that it was clean, but cold. Bruno, calls her Princess Jasmine, but he wants her to be “more open”. He also uses the term “treasure trove”. Carrie Ann wants more head/neck motion. Haha this is all like a porn review. The scores are 6,7, and 6. I really hate the question of “is it everything?” because they always answer “more”. Ah Samantha, with your stock questions.

Susan Lucci, I remember her as Erika Kane when I was 5. She’s with Tony. Tony is going to be good molding her acting skills. It’s quite nice to see an older woman confident enough to wear skimpy clothes. After seeing her dance, I know who I want next year. Lynda Carter. It had a few stiff parts here and there. Bruno, needed a slut, not a graceful lady. Carrie Ann gives props to the outfit, but she needs a little weight. Len said it was too careful. I must have gone crazy but I think I just heard some more usage of the word “slut”. I guess when I put my odds sheet, I mistook Susan Lucci with Erika Kane. The scores are three 5’s.

Dear Misty-May, keep your hair down. Maks is nervous, but he can find the grace in any woman. They dance the foxtrot, and she looks a little like Paulina Poriskova. Their dancing reminds me of early Laila & Maks. Carrie Ann likes her intensity, she wants her to relax a little. Len thought it was elegant, and the holds were good. Bruno reminds her to adjust her weight in turns. The judges give a 6,8 and 7. A little bit everywhere.

Warren Sapp is last. Kym Johnson still is winless. Surprisingly, Warren is light on his feet. It’s so funny seeing someone who is so top heavy move so gracefully. You know the thing I like about him? He was genuinely having fun on the floor. He winks a little bit too much, but I’m sure it’s a signal. Len points out the fun-ness. Carrie Ann likes the fun and positivity. Bruno calls him a big boy, quite fancy in the footwork. The scores are three 7’s.

The Scores (sans voting):

The Top:
Brooke – 23
Toni – 22
Warren Sapp – 21
Misty-May – 21
Lance – 21

Middle:
Kim – 19
Ted – 18
Maurice – 18
Cody – 18


Bottom:
Cloris – 16
Susan – 15
Rocco – 14
Jeffery – 12

Who do I think should go home? It’s a little early, but I’m going to go with Jeffery.

Who will go home? I’m going with both score and fan base, but I’m still going to say Rocco. As long as Cloris stays a few more episodes.

PS I’m gonna warm up into these posts, I swear.