Wednesday, September 3, 2008

America’s Next Top Model Season 11 Episode 1 & 2

This season we get the two hour casting special/first elimination. One thing that gets me a little miffed is that they give you the photos of the 14 girls that made it through on the website, but apparently 20 make it, so you automatically know who the six are that are eliminated. We’re introduced with shots of LA. Tyra talks about herself. There are shots of older seasons, but not of that Brady girl. The first girl we see is Hannah from Alaska. I can’t believe the one girl called her “Oriental”. Quick lesson: Oriental = Thing. Asian = person. The bus arrives and futuristic Jays show up. TMIT = The Top Model Institute of Technology. How do I apply to get to that College? Is it a two-year program? The girls run in and change into a skintight suit and whore boots. The girls go to the “body” scan. Who hired these effects people? Are they from VH1? We have some girls who are aggressive, others who are vegan, most who put their arms on their hips when taking photos. The girls then go to the runway “lab”. The Jays mention having superior walks. Isis, is a little broken. Sheena is a hooch. Joslyn twirls. A-swirl girls! A-swirl!

Next there is a “Glaminator”. To make the girls to do better. The machine breaks down. Tyra musta been too heavy to fit in there. Tyra’s thighs are huge. Tyra said “Bankable”! Drink! Tyra really should look for America’s Next Top Martian. (Wouldn’t it be Mars’ Next Top Martian?) Tyra announces one-on-ones. There’s some bad transition scene of Tyra and the Jays dissolving.

Tyra and the Jays? Now that sounds like a good band. I hope Tyra’s not reading this.

We’re introduced to Brittany B. She’s crazy. She clings on to the lucky underwear, juicing every last bit of luck that she can from it. Lauren Brie. She’s kinda cheesy to me. It’s like she should have parenthesis in her name. Lauren (Brie). Analeigh. She figure-skates. And was apparently almost a prince’s wife. I wouldn’t buy her.

The girls inside start dancing and of course someone starts a soul train. I don’t think Clark got it and she just walked down. Clark talks smack. Clark is confident. She’s not insecure. Her walk is a little much. We got Casey and she’s one of those black/white girls. She has hair vs. weave situation. Marjorie speaks French and is awkward. She has the quirky look. Tyra speaks in tongues again. Someone hose her down with holy water, she may start spitting acid. Joslyn is both afraid of the whole age thing, but then looks at the Mormon girl like she’s crazy. Veronique. Ah, she’s the Mormon one. She was on Lock Down because of sex. Crazy. I saw a movie about gay Mormons on lockdown. I hope they put her in an ice-tub.

Isis brings the picture. She was a homeless girl in the background of last season’s first photo. You know Anya was a good model when she still outshone Isis. She’s “Trans-something” basically born in the wrong body. She’s pre-op. Meaning she has a ding-a-ling. Looking at the walk, I think I saw a little package there.

The girls with small breasts talked about small boobs and then cornered Isis for having small boobies. The itty-bitty club lead by Casey starts to pick on her. Sheena talks about Isis being commendable and has spirit. Clark is all about the competition. Shut up all ready. It’s only been 20 minutes and every time I’ve seen Clark on screen she’s talking about how she’s all confident and can beat the competition. Sheena is quite Sheena. And she (verb)’s hard. No matter what. She’s Kimora-esque. She is half Korean/Japanese. I bet you she can make good street slam poetry.

Lindsey’s a thin plus size. Tyra’s size. So like size 10. Lindsey is in the middle. Wait a second…wasn’t Whitney a Size 10? Plus Size = 12-16. We learn that Tyra has cellulite. I betcha she eats it out of a jar. Brittany R is half black/native American. She’s a “diverse person” and I like the skin tone.

The girls eat. Some more awkwardly than others. Hannah swings her hair when she talks. She was moose-chased before. Tyra becomes a moose and chases her. Hannah then chases her. Personally, I would just run away from a moose chasing me. My form of “firerce” is the defending of myself with a shotgun as it’s chasing me.

There’s a dance montage into Joslyn. Her pitch stays too high at the interview. Joslyn tries to sell a towel, a little too sexy. She has auditioned 30 times. This is accomplished by going several casting calls in one season.

Renee is from Tennessee. She wants to make Nashville a modeling capital. Elina is a vegan. She can’t do meat. She does gender-specific clothes. She’s a flirt. Growl. The editing then gets to Lesbian talk. Words like “weirdo” pop up. She then has a crush on Clark. That’s right Clark, beat your competition (in bed).

Whitney’s MLAACV played and I didn’t get it. 100x better than Saleisha trying to go to Wal-Mart.

Nikeysha sports the Saleisha hair. Thankfully, that will have to go at makeover. If she survives to episode 3. She flashes the panel. Heyyyyy! We’re introduced to Brittany. Another Brittney? She cage fights with Jay. Susan is a Harvard grad. She is stumped by a dumb question about heroines. Then Tyra names some books. Susan is blanked. Overly beached tan Samantha walks in. It might be the white lights in the background. Tyra asks Sam to name 5 current models. She’s blank as well. These girls bring nothing to the table.

So we’re finally done with Phase 1. 33 -> 20. The jays are wearing a really really loud pink shirt. It bleeds on my screen. Does it bleed on high-def? They do some silly palming technique. The first few are granted and denials are inter-dispersed. More than one Brittney survived. Renee cries.

Photoshoot time. The girls are given 5 minutes to change and do makeup. Elina says something activism related. I get it, you’re passionate, but seriously this is America’s Next Top Model, not America’s Next Top Vegan. Samantha did some odd makeup. Marjorie is natural. I just realized the girls are on Yoga Balls. Clark says yet another statement about being Competitive. Starting with Sheena silly music playing as she bounces around, other girls are also silly. I think Sheena is getting the “Hooker with a Heart of Gold” edit. Elina has pretty graceful hands. The photos are done. I hope those yoga balls are paid well.

Top Models in Action? Tocarra is in Italian Vogue. And her boobs are bigger than I ever remembered. But you knew she had potential because she had drive. Although it was edited that she was losing it. And she successfully segwayed from 2 reality shows to a real career.

The 3 talk about the models. Andaleigh has the natural hair movement. Nikeysha was all hey. Yawn. I’m gonna wait. We have three Brittney’s. Lindsey is less than or equal to Whitney. Marjorie is too European for Jay’s taste. Clark needs ugly-ing. I wish I got a compliment like that one day. “You’re too pretty.” Hannah did the robot in her photo, Fierce! Fierce beaming up via Scotty! This is like a sad episode of Who Want’s to be a Superhero?

The final girls are: Sheena (Thank You Mama), Analeigh, Nikeysha (Heyyy!), Marjorie (Merci!), Samantha (Swear?), Elina, Brittney…R, Brittney…S (UFC!), Brittany …B (Panties!), Hannah (Moose!), Lauren (Cheese!), Isis, Clark (omg), and finally Joslyn (30! In 11!).

Here's my version of the fadeout

Tyra talks about wanting it to the remaining 6. Kasey, buh-bye.

Heyyyyyyy! Fierce Finger-wave! One Time for the Asians! Funnier that Sheena got subtitles for that section.

The girls got a car ride/tour. The girls all talk about getting the prize. Yawn. I’ve heard all of this for 11 seasons now. Marjorie talks about being quirky. The girls are all on the roof. McKey and Sharun are the two other Brittneys. Isis wants the surgery. The Jays show up to train the “bitches”. The girls take an (eco-friendly) bus over. Make-up party!

The girls run into their house. Heyyyy! Hannah gives us the same no electricity/water speech again. I like the phone booth. The Fierce Awards are in one hallway, Tocarra being the fiercest of them all.

The girls all ask silly questions to Isis. I think she needs braces. I’m not even looking at her taped ding-a-ling, I’m staring at her Jacked up teeth. Marjorie is quirky…still. Isis gets into the pool and has fun. The girls who are white complain. Traditionalists. Bah!

McKey beats a pillow. Tyra mail! At least it’s not on a scrolly-bar. The girls are sent to the Magic Castle. Sam is freaked out. Ed the magician introduces himself. Poor misfit. The two Jays are serving as assistants. The cabinet reveals fierce Nigel. The magician pulls out a book about “Secerets of a Top Model” and opens it and there’s nothing there. Clearly a sign that this show teaches these girls nothing. The magician then magically makes Paulina emerge. Quite a classy lady. Sheena’s street accent is going to grate on me this season. I always found the Chinese/Brooklyn combo to be cool, but only from that one friend that I talked to like once a month.

Paulina talks about the connection between magic and modeling. I always just called it Photoshop. Really, I’ve seen Tyra’s “portfolio” and that’s magic.

Who are you? One on One time. Marjorie is afraid because she’s too quirky. Sharun is America’s next top model. That’s it. The End. World Peace is silly. McKey would beat a nasty photographer. Marjorie…oh no! She’s quirky. Isis studied! Does Nigel know she’s a tranny?

There’s a box at home. Stereotypical free clothes for a model. Sheena is trying to be positive for all the girls. That’s nice. Espeically since Marjorie is quirky.

The girls are at their first shoot. The first photo shoot is all about the Elections! Take a stance! I even doubt some of these girls could tell us who is running. Voting = Sexy. Marc Rosenthal is our photographer.

Marjorie is first. She gets immigration…she’s comfortable but uncomfortable, because she’s quirky. Awkward works wonders for her. Brittany is military. Note: All models should practice posing with a fan blowing at them. Clark doesn’t know what bureaucracy is. Don’t worry, hun, although I had a vague understanding, I had to spell check it. She just looks awkward and not Marjorie awkward; it doesn’t help to not know the definition and take a stance. McKey is environment. She’s too “green”. Oh Jay, your advice doesn’t help. She starts to punch, but the punching puts the passion back in the eyes. Clark is all like, “you’re gone”, because Clark is gonna beat the competition. Wow, this show is redundant when you have to watch it in two hour brackets.

MLAACG! Whitney talks about making an impression. She makes a nice smile, unfortunately her mouth is always open. Luckily her breath is fresh. And her voice is 1000 times lighter than I remember.

Hannah is given nuclear weapons. They damage moose! Elina is all about foreign policy. She reminds me of Natasha but not with the hokey lip pout. Isis gets Privacy. The girls are talking smack in the background. She tries to be fierce no matter what.

Sheena has Energy. She’s a Hooch! Hooch alert! Joslyn. Truthfully unemployed. Analeigh has healthcare. She has trouble with her neck. Sharun has homeland security. She complains. Jay says its Convoluted. She responds: What? I really hope she knew what “convoluted” meant. She’s quite stiff.

Sam has Economy, the arrows are going down! Sam gets it. My stock in her has risen immensely. (Then again I said that about Wesley on Project Runway and he was gone next) Lauren (Brie!) has education. Bigger papers get to hit her in the face. Nikeysha gets cloning. She gets a double shot. She was everywhere.

Tyra Mail! One person reading! Yay! Elina actually sounded smart. What’s smart? Sharun, ugh, cut her already. Marjorie is afraid she’s gonna get bad criticism, because she’s quirky.

We’re treated with a shot of Tyra in curlers. What? How is that inspiring? What is Tyra wearing? She names the prizes. Still the same prizes. Still the same Judges. No guests?

Marjorie gets French music. The picture is great. She just needs not to be awkward in person, because she’s quirky. Sharun is up and her legs are always open. Ouch. Hooch! Clark still doesn’t know what Bureaucracy is. Clark is a black widow with red tape…or so Paulina thinks. Elina really looks like Natasha. Or I’m crazy. Or Both.

Nikeysha nervously walks in. What happened to Hey! The shot was Cloning. I think they cloned the same picture. I thought they would grab two (one from the left and one from the right) and superimpose them. I mean if it’s the same girl, it’s a clone. I understand one point being she gets two photos, but Heyyy! I wouldn’t complain. Nikeysha gets called out about her attitude. Samantha’s clothing options are too much. Samantha also looks 80s healthy. Joslyn is too much for the clothes as well. Unemployment does not equal hooker.

Analeigh is a little broken in the healthcare shot. Get it? Ah, nevermind. Modeling Tip: Find the right light source. (Isis knows) Brittany has military. She’s supposed to be strong and proud and she nails it.

Hannah loves Gossip Girl. That’s a shameless plug. Nuclear Weapons. Nope. Then again I think it may have worked if Hanna got Nuclear Energy. That’s at least a better topic. Sheena. Energy. Not as hoochy. Maybe the hoochy came from the other side of the face. Tyra’s modeling note: Play the opposite of what you’re wearing. McKey is sporting the boxer stance in her shot. Clark makes a face (Five bucks say’s McKey is called out before you). McKey needs to keep the face and drop the arms.

Lauren (Brie!) is a little vacant. Isis looks homeless.Again. Privacy: I got it. It looks like nervousness and fear, but sexy.

Marjorie and French. And Nerves. Sharun – No. Sam is already getting haircut ideas. Clark is bad, but leggy. Isis has something…a ding-dong! Heyyyy! Nigel’s flirting with Isis will stop. Voting. Yeah. I know. That happened on a lot of other reality shows. *Cough* SYTYCD *Cough*

The first name will have the photo displayed in the house. And that’s Marjorie. Isis. McKey. Joslyn. Elina. Samantha. Brittany. Sheena. Analeigh. Clark. Lauren (Brie!). Hannah. Sharun and Nikeysha are our bottom two. Sharun is not a good girl being interviewed. Nikesia started being all attitudey. Nikeysha is chosen and Sharun breaks down. Woah. Sharun, seriously, be real.

Yay, fade out that bitch.

Next Week: Girls make out! Is Hannah Racist? Find out next week!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This season was sooo lame, the worst top model I have ever seen. I've seen all ten and this one was really boring. None of the girls stood out to me, they had NOO personality. Samantha was probably the only one who had a little bit of personality. Then the winner they chose was awful..what the hell were they thinking. SHe looks like a man, and i can't recall ever hearing her say anything. She had noooo personality AT ALL. I think they must have just put all the girls names in a hat and they picked the winner that way

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