Survivor: Gabon – Episode 1

I haven’t seen a full season in a while, my old roommate would watch Supernatural and I can’t resist gawking at Sam & Dean hoping they would make out or something.

Stereotypical swoops of land and animals. Luckily not too Asian this season. I’m all Asian-ed out. I’m also Beached out. Elephants! Gorillas! Hippos! Jeff introduces us to Gabon, which has a lot of different landscapes. We have 18 contestants, people are talking but don’t have name tags under them so I really can’t tell who’s who. Jeff’s speech is still the same. With 39 days and 18 contestants… there’s got to be a double elimination somewhere along the line…or a final 3.

Gabon’s opening sequence seems similar to the rest. Bob looks dead already. There’s a woman named “Sugar”? Oh dear God, what did I sign up for?

So how many times am I going to hear “Earth’s last Eden”. Bob, the physics teacher reminds me of (now Green-friendly) Bill Nye. Ken apparently is a professional Super Smash Brothers player. I looked that up. Paloma is a “server”. Is waiter a bad word now? Server sounds like “maid” to me. Randy edits videos but doesn’t like weddings that he does; sourpuss. Crystal (the Olympian) is a “Pre-K teacher”. Corrine calls herself a “bitch”. Dan is trying to find himself.

Jeff tells us that the Elders have to make the decisions. Bob picks yellow, Gillian picks Red. Jeff says that sex doesn’t matter. The oldies play a little rock-paper-scissors and Bob is first. He picks “baldy” Ace. Gillian picks “the woman standing next to Ace” Crystal. Ace picks Sugar. Crystal picks Susie. The gay guy chimes in and whines. Sugar picks the farmer. Susie picks the surfer dude. Marcus picks Charlie. Surfer picks Randy. Charlie picks Paloma. Randy picks Dan. Paloma takes Kelly. Dan picks GC . Jacque is next. GC picks Ken. Jacque picks Corrine. Michelle is last. So much for “the girl in the purple”.

Red is “Thong”? I coulda sworn I heard the word “Thong”. Yellow is “Kota”. There is a challenge. It’s a race up a hill. There’s some individual immunities and food. There’s one extra bag for the winners. Food. They all start running. GC mostly in the lead and Gillian in the back. Jeff perched makes some random commentary. Marcus & GC are going for the individual immunity. Bob helps Paloma. Marcus & GC get the idols. Michelle is the first woman up. Crystal surprises me as she slips lower. Is red team “Phuong”? No wait… that’s like Vietnamese. Kota wins any who. Matty is pissed off at Gillian. Crystal had a problem with her dress and shoes. Oh is it “Fang”. The teams grab their maps and head on their way.

Day 1 – Kota - Marcus is edited talking with monkeys in the back. They actually have some huts pre-built. It must be a sign of bad animals when they have to make sure contestants have shelter. “Sugar” is too nervous at the moment to get in the water. The tribe decides to patch the roof. Bob gets up on the roof and puts the roof together. Bob tinkers and makes a bench.

Shifting over to Fang. Guess what? A similar setting! Gillian pep talks her team. And she knows the African word for “Fierce”. “Bucale”, Bitches. I want someone to say Gillian wants elephant poo so that they can light it. She picks it up and runs her hands through it. She thinks there might be edible seeds in the elephant poop. Randy is ticked off already; that sourpuss. Ken grabs a termite and wants to eat it. He talks about being a dork, Ken “flirts” with Michelle, big emphasis on the quotations. She eats a termite in front of Ken. He hasn’t been kissed in 5 years. Dear Ken, nothing will happen during Survivor.

Back over at Kota, they discuss Latrines. Ace suggests some old school poop and move latrines. Ace continues to act like a douche and suggests random things but doesn’t actually do things. Charlie and Marcus do a walk and talk. Charlie has boy flirty time with Marcus. But Marcus is straight, but this may work in his favor to have a little “yes man”. That’s my worst fear on Survivor. Randomly falling for a straight guy’s beautiful blue eyes and who walks around in their blue undies all around me. I’d look for a girl to align with.

Night falls at Fang and elephants are scaring the contestants. You can see the “oh shit” in their night-visioned eyes. Randy slammed his head into a branch. It’s totally dark and Gillian can’t help. They called the medical team and they shoot some anesthesia into him and stitch him up. The medics inform him about getting infected. That’s why you walk with your arms flailing in the darkness.

Random Elephant shots introduce us to Fang. Randy has a huge bandage and looks like really weird with a small patch of hair poofed out. I would have suggested the medical team shave the whole thing off. Michelle is complaining about her being skinny and cold. They worry about fire. Michelle complains about how all the smart/beautiful people are on the other team and she’s stuck with moms.

Kota reads their first tree mail. It has some rhyming about getting fire. Rattlesnakes. Ace tries to get the group to do Yoga as a group. Marcus still stretching in his blue undies. Paloma and Bob sit back and giggle.

Our first big challenge is upon us. Everyone looks like crap after night 1. The challenge involves being tied up, they run, dig, and the other people solving a puzzle. Sounds basic. The immunity idol looks like a cute robot this season. The team also gets flint for winning.

Paloma “Sugar” & Bob are part of Kota Puzzle team . Susan, Gillian, & Randy take the helm for Fang.

The teams run through a “leech filled swamp”. Kota led by Ace takes a small lead. Fang takes over past the net lift. There’s a little under over fence-thing that every reality competition uses once in a while. Fang’s still leading. The teams start to dig for their puzzle pieces. Kota gets the first. Crystal in stress needs the fire and tries to “fire” up her team. Fang struggles with their first as Kota gets their second. Fang can’t find the last two. Kota gets back and Bob is ready to solve things. Bob is really kicking some puzzle ass. Gillian is trying to cheer on her team even in the worst. By the time Fang gets over the hill Kota solves the puzzle. I really hope Fang doesn’t get Ulong-ed.

We’re back with Fang and they try to pep talk themselves again. GC is happy to be immune but is worried there is no leader. The guys & Susie think Michelle should be gone because she doesn’t want to be here. Randy doesn’t believe people and he doesn’t like Gillian. Randy doesn’t like old people. It takes one to know one Randy. Michelle and Ken think of getting rid of Gillian. Ken warns Michelle that she’s on the outside; poor guy likes her too much. Everyone else throws words like “Negative Nancy”. Poor Ken, it doesn’t look good. Gillian has the final word before council.

The groups grab their torches and get their fire. Jeff thinks that this tribe is a group of idiots. Michelle calls out the guys for being lazy and not digging. The whole tribe bickers and Jeff surprisingly doesn’t cut them off. Apparently there is no leader. Jeff asks if anyone wanted to be a leader. No one says anything, GC says something and Jeff points it out. Everyone okays GC being a leader. Rattlesnakes.

Michelle says that Ken is her friend. He makes a face almost nervous that he was called out. And she calls other people dead weight. Gillian is an old woman who can’t go up a hill. Everyone votes. Gillian and Michelle pick each other.

Jeff reads the votes and it’s 5-1 Michelle. (Someone spelled Michelle “Mishel”?) What? Her torch is snuffed and I think Ken is now in here to play. Jeff gives the team their flint.

The team walks back to their camp and GC disliked the whole thing. GC wanted Ken to light the fire, and everyone suggests that GC as the leader does it himself. Luckily, he got the fire up.

Morning at Kota and people have chores done. Charlie is still swooning over Marcus as another morning in Gabon begins. Seriously, vote Marcus off; he’s throwing off your game Charlie. Oh my God. My Survivor nightmare is in full effect. Me and a hot guy in a boat talking about girls. Oh Jeez I just found out that Marcus was Cosmo’s 2006 hottest Georgian. Marcus calls Charlie the heart of his onion. Okay, maybe less romantic, but I’m sure that’s how Charlie heard it. The two talk about Jacque and Corrine. He wants to make a “pitch” for Corrine.

Over on Fang’s side. GC is actually making suggestions for this camp to do something. I love how he’s a maintenance supervisor suggesting everything. GC tries to make the rice. Randy wants to use lake water instead of Boiled water. I think I’d rather use boiled water to cook rice. I mean if there is crap in the water it could mix into the rice and everyone still gets sick. Randy wants the whole tribe to self destruct. Bastard. Why didn’t he vote for Gillian then?

Kota – Marcus talks to Jacque. She suggests Jacque, Marcus and her. And Charlie. She needs one person for a majority and suggests Bob. The four actually are setting themselves for a big crash somewhere along the line.

Night over at Fang and someone was snoring. GC was making squish noises in the night and unfortunately it turns out he’s doing his laundry in the middle of the night. Ken and Susie join and have some discussions. Gillian complains about the lack of sleep. GC backs out of being the leader. Randy is dancing on the inside. Dan is scared but doesn’t want to manage his team. He’s “emotional”. With actual sunlight there is some mail. It sounds like a combined immunity/reward. They get charcoal and pep themselves up with warrior paint. “Shaka gonna kick your ass”, as Crystal says.

Jeff asks them about the silly paint, and shrugs it off. Immunity is back. It’s a big rolling ball challenge. There’s also some keys and locks. The reward is fishing gear. There also is the return of Exile Island. There is a clue for immunity there. Paloma sits out for Kota.

As Jeff says go, there clearly is trouble with the ball. Gillian is pushed around a little. Randy pushes her out of the way. Bob gets the first set of keys for Kota, Ken gets it for Fang. As the balls roll down the hill the teams are tied. Bob aces the untying he’s followed by Ken. A lot of ball rolling and unlocking. Kota unlocks first, quickly followed by Fang. Kota has trouble with putting the ball into the pen, but makes it in before Fang. Jeff actually applauds Fang for being close to winning. Kota decides to send Dan to Exile Island.

Kota relishes in their prize. Charlie is all like fierce in his winnings. Marcus dances silly. I’m sure Charlie is gawking at his blue undies. Jacque is amazed by the fishing skills of everyone.

Dan walks over to Exile Island. He is brought to a difficult decision. Pick Clue or Comfort. He picks clue. Seriously, I’d pick a clue over an Apple. An Apple? What the hell is that for a comfort? I think Dan misreads his clue as he digs around everywhere. The helicopter pans over the sandy pit that he needs to be. He depressively waits outside of the comfort hut.

Fang talks about how much closer they got this time. Crystal talks to Ken. It’s funny that the girls all go to Ken. They discuss voting out Gillian. Gillian and Susie talk about throwing a surprise vote; they want to get rid of Ken. They know that they will be the next two out. Have they had Survivor: Old vs. Young yet? Well there was Panama… but I only want two tribes. Never mind.

Gorillas walk around in High-Def and “GC” is worried. I love contestants with “ ” around their names. Randy saws his glasses for a fishing hook. The girls find some worms. Ken & “GC” go fishing and actually catch some fish. They wrap the fish in leaves and smoke them. Well, not smoke them. Dan comes back and explains the whole clue/comfort thing. GC is nervous and he decides to talk to the tribe about getting rid of either Dan or Gillian. Randy is the only one who doesn’t think that Dan has it. Crystal thinks Dan is a threat (he has the swagger).

The team goes to council. Jeff talks to the tribe about GC being a leader and explains how he stepped down. Apparently it’s Gillian’s fault. I love how Dan is still wearing his purple tie. Crystal starts to talk a little too much like an Olympian, but luckily no one thinks about that. Jeff is surprised by the whole team fishing. Matt… that’s his name. Crystal thinks he has the idol. Dan begs not to go home by shaking the contents of his bag. Dan spells Gillian as “Jillian”. Ken is a putz and drops the marker top. Gillian votes for Ken (or Kenny, because he’s Asian; that’s another story). Everyone stares at Dan as he doesn’t play the idol he doesn’t have. The votes are: 5-1 Gillian (V. Ken of all people). “Bummer” is a good way to close the competition for Gillian.

Next Week: Is Randy the Leader of Fang? Can they fight for their right to Party?

My personal player of the week? Bob. Fixes roofs, makes benches, solves puzzles, and unknots well.